Top 5 Ohioans Who Moved to New York (Plus What Tate's Life Will be Like in NYC)

What has happened to the once great American metropolis known as New York?? I’m old enough to remember when it was every small town kid’s dream to one day move to the Big Apple and chase their dreams! I remember taking the 10 dollar Fung Wah bus from Boston’s Chinatown to New York's Chinatown in college and being absolutely enchanted by the cities grandeur and energy. The streets made me feel brand new. I remember nights in the city that felt like they’d never end until I accidentally spilt Jagermesiter all over my friends roommate’s law school textbooks and was told it would probably be best if I returned to Boston immediately. I remember looking across at the homeless drunk I was playing cards with in Union Square Park at 6am after getting separated from my friends thinking, “maybe one day that can be me!”  But now I turn on the rundown only to hear my boss repeat ad nauseam how forcing my coworker in Chicago, Tate, move to New York would surely ruin his life. 

When did New York go from the city where there’s nothing you can’t do, and the big lights will inspire you, to the city where careers go to die?? Maybe Covid? At least that’s when I remember traveling the country while filming Rediscovering America, telling folks I lived in NYC, and watching their faces reflect pure horror and revulsion as they’d say things like “hang in there” or “I can’t imagine what that’s like, stay safe” 

I won’t lie, I’m very happy in Chicago at the moment. It’s the perfect pace for my current lifestyle. But there was a time when living in New York and making a livable wage working a job I enjoy was the pinnacle of success in my mind. And thanks to Barstool, I was able to do just that for a couple years. Years I look back on fondly. 

But now as a vote looms which will decide if Tate has to move to New York, we have to act like he’s awaiting a death sentence? It’s honestly insulting to all the Barstool employees who currently work and live there. Here’s what would really happen if Tate moved to New York (and spoiler alert: his life and career come out mostly unscathed.) 

• Two weeks of tension and drama as he adapts to a new environment amongst co-workers who currently aren’t too fond of him.

• Followed by a few months of Tate trying out new content ideas. 7/10 of those ideas will fail. But 3 will show promise and he’ll pursue those with a tenacity to make at least 1 successful long term. 
• He’ll keep blogging. 
• He’ll eventually make some friends at the office. Ya at first it might just be John Rich and he’ll still lie awake some nights missing the free lunches and Friday afternoon basketball games back in Chicago. But he’ll persevere and eventually even some of the NYC cool kids like Tommy Smokes and Billy Football will start asking him to grab a beer after work on Fridays (or 15 beers in Billy’s case). 
• Maybe he’ll start dating a nice Jewish girl who lives in Williamsburg and works as an account manager at an advertising firm, an Italian chick who works at Salesforce and lives in Hoboken, or maybe, just maybe, when enough time passes for the wounds to heal, a Taylor Swift beat reporter with a love for fine wine and The Bachelor. When you choose love, anything is possible (apologies if he already has a girlfriend but that won’t survive the move. Let’s be realistic).  
• Mark Titus will return to doing his podcast solo. There will be a couple YouTube comments about how Tate is missed on the pod but those will die out after a couple weeks when Mark replaces him with Nicky Clicky. His pod views/downloads will soar. 
• Tate will keep blogging. 
• One day Tate will witness a homeless man jacking off next to him on the subway which will shake him to his core. But the next week he’ll get his contract renewed and he’ll suppress that memory in the far reaches of his brain, choosing to focus on the positives in his life instead. 
• After 2-3 years he’ll move out of his $3,000 a month, fifth floor walk up studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen into a $4,000 a month, 1 bedroom in the West Village. 
• He’ll do a boozy brunch most Saturday afternoons with other Ohio transplants he befriends overtime. 
• He’ll return to his hometown on holidays and his high school friends will stare in awe whispering to each other “There goes Tate, the former humble school teacher from Wadsworth, Ohio who moved to the big city to chase his dreams (against his own volition) and is now the top blogger at the biggest media company in the world”. (Fasoli’s words, not mine). 
• Ultimately, in 4-5 years time, he’ll find himself walking through Central Park on a beautiful Fall day, trying not to trip over the occasional rat that darts across his path, thinking to himself “I think I like this little life”. 

Now if Tate is somehow still depressed after reading all of that, he needs to remember that he’s in good company. Ever since Ohio has been a state its sons and daughters have been moving to New York in search of a better/less boring life.  So here is a list of the top 5 Native Ohioans who moved to New York and don't regret it. 

5. Drew Carey. Hometown: Cleveland, Ohio

Jeffrey Mayer. Getty Images.

Drew Carrey could've stayed in Ohio and been average looking. Now he's maybe the ugliest man in NYC but he's rich and successful so kudos to him for leaving his comfort zone. 

4. Martin Sheen. Hometown: Dayton, Ohio 

Axelle/Bauer-Griffin. Getty Images.

If Martin stayed in Ohio he probably would've ended up with lung cancer from too many Marlboro Reds.

But nope, he moved to NYC and the next thing ya know he has throat cancer from going down on Catherine Zeta-Jones too often. W.  

3. Halle Berry. Hometown: Cleveland Ohio

Lionel Hahn. Getty Images.

Halle could've been content being the hottest woman in Ohio. But she decided to move to NYC in 1989 to pursue her dream of being the hottest woman alive and according to The Sun, is still succeeding at age 58. That's ambition folks!

2. Nick Mangold. Hometown: Centerville, OH

Nick Laham. Getty Images.

Nick Mangold knew he'd never win a Super Bowl with the Browns, so he decided to play for the Jets where he also wouldn't win a Super Bowl but wouldn't have to live in Cleveland. Technically Nick Mangold only lived in New Jersey but seeing as he's the friendliest pro-athlete I know and Tate will probably end up in Hoboken, felt he deserved a spot on the list. 

1. Kid Cudi. Hometown: Cleveland Ohio

Scott Dudelson. Getty Images.

Kid Cudi is very talented. But there's zero chance he could've made a revolutionary genre-bending classic album like Man on the Moon in Ohio. Brooklyn-based hipster duos like Ratatat and MGMT were instrumental in crafting his unique sound and that album remains one of the best hiphop records of the last 20 years. Who knows, maybe Tate will eventually meet some weirdos in Bushwick who'll help him revolutionize the blog game one day too. Just be sure to keep showing Wadsworth love when you're a top blogger in NYC so they don't turn their back on you like Cleveland did Cudi!

P.S. I legit thought Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen were the same person I guess

P.P.S. Completely forgot George Steinbrenner was from Ohio. He would've easily cracked the top 5.