And On October 17th, 2024.....Dave Portnoy Officially Lost His Fastball

I’m going to keep this short and sweet. We’re sticking to the facts only in this blog. And the fact of the matter is that after dominating the entire New York Office this week, I just dominated everyone on the Unnamed Show this morning. I know it. You know it. Klemmer knows it. Dave knows it. Kirk knows it. And Whitney knows it, but he's unsure why the others won't say it. I’m not sure why blogging relentlessly, stirring the pot, creating content, getting millions of views, and working hard is being frowned upon right now, but Dave and Kirk not understanding that this has been great content is more of an indictment on them than me. I talked the talk and I’ve walked the walk this entire week. Number one blog, number one in engagement, and the focus of the entire internet. Rundown, Unnamed, Yak, KFC Radio, Main Account Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc, etc etc. Dave Portnoy in 2015 would’ve loved Ohio’s Tate in 2024. Content machine.

Anyways, let’s address a few issues that were brought up on the show (that I created) today. Don’t forget that fact, boys. You wouldn’t even have an Unnamed Show if it weren’t for me. 

Tate Is A Bits Guy:

Dave says I’m just a bits guy. I get it, bits aren’t his thing. Forget the fact that in the last 50,000 Pizza Review videos, he starts by saying “One Bite” and then takes multiple. Or how he releases weekly Big Ten Football rankings with Michigan at #1 to troll fans. Or how he makes videos with his dog while speaking to her in a baby voice. No, I’m the bits guy because I put a bandaid over my ear today after being assaulted with an airhorn directly into my drum. I’m the bits guy for overreacting like I have a serious injury.

Or how I wore an I Love New York shirt and hat when I actually hate them.

Dave, your interpretation of my content today shows me you’ve lost your fastball. Content is bits. You’ve made your entire living off “delivering too many newspapers”. Dave Portnoy in 2015 would’ve loved Ohio’s Tate in 2024.

Stirring the Pot:

It's been funny for two decades when Dave stirs the pot until people quite literally snap and throw High Noons at someone's head or snap and reference 9/11 and need to go to the looney bin, but God forbid I eat Peeps in an empty office in a successful attempt to get under someone’s skin. I bring in a Blog Bell to generate content, which was then stolen and created more content, so I got a Blog Horn and created more content, which received rave reviews from people with an eye for content, but that was too far. Forget that Dave will still change the subject from Miss Peaches eating the remote again to taking pot shots at Smitty's work ethic, but what about the days where he'd sit at the door of the office and document people arriving late?

One of the funniest videos in the history of Barstool, but far too direct for the watered down company of today. But when I make creative, funny videos to showcase people not being here by noon and stir the pot? I'm the one chastised!

"Not Good on Camera":

Am I going to be the host of a #1 podcast for teenage girls? No, Dave already has that niche at our company. But to say I’m bad on video is confirmation bias at its core. I blog the 2nd most at this company behind the machine Reags, because that’s what I was hired to do. But I’ve chosen to go above and beyond my job description to things like a First Pitch video series that got millions of views, rants that have gotten millions of views, an Ohio State bet series that has gotten millions of views, sacrifices of live chickens to Chief Wahoo that has gotten millions of views, created a TikTok that has surpassed 30K followers when instructed by the Head of Content to try and get to 15, and even dumb things like dressing up as a Duck and doing Peep Show streams to over a thousand concurrent viewers. I’ve found my niche and I’m hitting the hole hard. “Bad on camera” is the only thing he can come up with to knock me down (still not sure why he wants to) because my work ethic doesn’t allow him to come up with anything else. And I'm clearly getting better. Remember, I know I'm in the news every other day here, but I've only been at this company for 6 months. I just cooly, calmly, and collectedly ran circles around 3 seasoned veterans with only one ear today….on camera.

The Blow Horn to the Ear:

Big T throws a High Noon into the air, and Rico throws one through Big T’s skull. Equal, right Dave? There’s no one in their right mind that thinks me blowing an Air Horn once into the air with no one around and Klemmer blowing it directly into my ear are even. I understand Dave and Kirk play the other side for content, but it’s disappointing that I constantly have to go on that show and fight 1 on 4 because I’m too good at what I do. In all honesty, if I called the cops and showed them the Klemmer video, he gets arrested. I’m not going to do that because I do this for entertainment and content, but Dave and Kirk not admitting the two “crimes” weren’t equal is a huge loss for their credibility of being honest. The bias was clearly evident.

"What else is he supposed to do?" is a quote from Dave Portnoy on Klemmer taking an airhorn meant to be heard from a mile away and putting it directly in someone's ear. "Chef Donny brought the knives into the kitchen and didn't think he was going to get stabbed to death?"

Tate Only Punches Down:

Flat out wrong. I take it as a feather in my cap that they think I’m above the entire New York office, because that’s exactly what Punch Down means. But how quickly they forget that I’ve also gone directly after Dave time after time…..

As well as Brandon Walker:

He doesn't do to the stars! He doesn't do it in Chicago! He won't do it in person in New York! No, I talk the talk and I've walked the walk every single time. I’m a content guy. I have a mind for content. Calling me a Punch Down Guy when I’m going after the owner of the company that signs my paycheck is simply incorrect and insulting to real punch down guys like Kirk. 

Nate Comparison:

Ohio's Nate was right there for the taking, but a swing and a miss either way. I am nothing like Nate and all three of the people on the Unnamed Show know it. I'll admit there are a few similarities though. I blog (531 times since my start date in March) and Nate blogs (197 times since my start date in March). He gets under people’s skin (by personality) and I get under people’s skin (by creativity). But other than that? I'm bigger, faster, mentally stronger, funnier, more creative, work harder, better looking, better on camera, and have more charisma. Kirk tries to make it a thing because it’s low hanging fruit and extremely insulting to be compared to Nate, but even he knows it’s not true. I know Kirk doesn’t follow me (although he apparently sees every single piece of content I make) but my social media game is very strong, my videos have done millions upon millions of views, I am on a podcast, I make TikToks, and I am constantly seeking out new, creative opportunities to work. Nate is the Editor-In-Chief. I am a Content Creator. I would say Kirk is trying to punch down with this one, but that would be figuratively speaking, of course.

Tate Outed Kelly’s Only Fans:

Fuck you whoever said that. Fuck you. That’s not true and you know it. The girls of this office paraded their cash cow Only Fans in the streets of the internet well before I got here, quite literally pinning their tweets to the top of their page. Are we on the same page that all I did was saying in a blog that maybe she’s doing something else on Fridays other than blogging? Disgusting behavior to try and pin it on me that I somehow found her OnlyFans and spread it. The fact of the matter is I've laid off Kelly since the day I realized she was broken over this. I haven't mentioned her name one fucking time this week until I questioned why she wasn't on the streams as a Yankees fan. I don't have ill will towards her as my life here is only content, but I can sense when the reality mixes in and it affects people….and it has….so I'm done with it. But let's be honest with ourselves, I have continuously shown great restraint in every single aspect of this "beef" and I should be applauded for it.

Kirk Hating Me:

I don’t know why Kirk hates me so much. The last two times I’ve been on the Unnamed Show have been because I chirped Dave about Michigan and because I’ve ran circles around the New York office, and both times I have to go toe to toe, head to chest, with Kirk as well. If I cured cancer (this is me holding back a better joke because I do know where the line is) and went on the Unnamed Show to accept my Nobel Prize, Kirk would bring up that I deleted my first tweet that got blow back 7 minutes after I tweeted it before I was full-time. I just find it funny that he sits in his Ivory Tower chirping away about how I'm a huge pussy that won't go to New York and say it to their face, and now I've done exactly that, he moves the goalposts once again and says "Yeah, but if your Boss told you to stop you would!" Uhh, no shit? 

The Facts of Tate: 

Here are the real facts of Tate: I quit my job in the middle of the night to drive 6 hours through the middle of the night to shoot free throws weeks before my start date because I know I'm now in a sink or swim business, and I've risked everything to enter it. I know that I have my college education and 10 years in a pension on the line to try and make something of myself in the content world, so I refuse for the reason that I fail to be that I'm outworked. Every moment of the day from the time I wake up, I'm trying do something to ensure that when I walk into Dave's office to discuss getting renewed, I can provide him with evidence that shows why I deserve it. Today, that evidence would be that after this is published, I will undoubtedly have both the top two blogs of the day, will be the thumbnail of the Unnamed Show, and will do millions of impressions on Twitter again. That's after doing the same thing yesterday until I went on livestream eating marshmallow Peeps, taking questions from thousands of Stoolies, until I puked. And I don't need a thatta boy from Dave, but him not realizing I'm the hungriest, closest thing he's got to the guy he once was is disappointing. I don't want a pat on the back, but the "eh, I don't find it interesting" when the entire fanbase has clamored for it makes me sick. Here's what the visitors on our blog look like right now, Davey Pageviews, you old hack:

I'm literally turning the lights on here in New York each morning and then figuratively keeping them on throughout the rest of the day.

Alright, that’s my take on the situation. If I’m wrong, which everyone….and I mean everyone…and I mean everyone….is telling me I’m right, then I’ll come in tomorrow, write a few blogs (wait it's Friday), and go sing Kumbaya at 2 o’clock Happy Hour with the rest of the office….which is what it seems like Dave and Kirk would rather me do than what I’ve done this week.