If Philly Fans Are Really The Best In The World, Then Pete Alonso's "Playoff Pumpkin" Will Meet The Same Fate As HitchBOT
First and foremost, who does Pete Alonso think he's fooling? I was born at night, Pete, not last night. You mean to tell me this guy hits the most clutch HR of his career after going "pumpkin picking" in Wisconsin? Buddy. That's a drug smuggling pumpkin if I've ever seen one.
But of course the MLB won't investigate into this and drug test Pete Alonso before the NLDS. So it's up to Philly fans to take care of business ourselves like we're used to doing.
You want to bring a drug smuggling pumpkin into our ballpark? That's fine. But we reserve the right to smash the everliving shit out of if the same way we bashed HitchBOT into a million little pieces.
Remember when Philly saved the world by delaying the inevitable AI takeover of humanity? Well Philly is going to have to save the world yet again. Not from robots this time, but against this deplorable group of heathens from experiencing any more joy than they already have.
The world needs balance and order in order to thrive. In order to restore that order, Philly needs to revert these goons into the most miserable sacks of shit on the planet again. They aren't meant to experience jubilation. They're supposed to be turning on each other and hating their lives while Frank goes on a rant about how next year's team is going to lose 162 games. This photo should never exist, and it's up to Philly fans to wipe it from everyone's memory.
But baseball is a weird sport. It's probably the only sport where you could get me to believe some shitty pumpkin actually has some sort of magical powers to propel a team to victory. So in order to bring balance back to the world, it's time to smash that pumpkin. Plain and simple.