The Hottest Take From the VP Debate: Beards are Aggressive and Intimidating to Women

Chip Somodevilla. Getty Images.

Regardless of whose side you were on in last night's Vice Presidential Debate or whether you were one of the millions of sane, rational people who was tuned into the baseball playoffs, there's no way you could've prepared yourself for the hottest, most scorching, Mt. Vesuvius-temperature, molten lava take to emerge from the aftermath. 

Forget the infinite crises we face. The devastating floods. Multiple conflicts ready to upgrade to WWIII at a moment's notice. The economy. Immigration. Housing. One of America's most prominent political outlets identified and drilled down on the most important issue in this campaign. The thing that may very well swing an election that appears too close to call. And that is, the two Vice Presidential candidates' facial features. And they brought in an FBI expert to break it all down for us uneducated types:

Source - One of the first bits of nonverbal communication to appear in the debate was on JD Vance’s face: his beard. As POLITICO Magazine has noted before, Vance is the first White House wannabe to wear facial hair in 80 years. Our appearance is fundamental to our body language, and research indicates that voters see beards as (surprise, surprise) more masculine. That can be positive to some, reading as strength and competence. But to others, especially women, it can be negative, conveying aggression and opposition to feminist ideals. …

When Walz felt especially passionate about something, he’d open his eyes wide as saucers. Eye-popping can sometimes be a sign of surprise, but for Walz, it simply revealed his emotional intensity — like this moment during an exchange about abortion. The orbicularis oculi muscle, working in concert with the corrugator and frontalis muscles, contract to raise the eyebrows — a dynamic and emphatic facial motion that grabbed the viewer’s attention. Early humans would have made such facial gestures to communicate strong emotions, like “danger is close.” For Walz, it gave extra weight to his feelings and held our gaze.

Far be it for any of us to question a federal agent who presumably specializes in these things. Like The Gambler who stole Kenny Rogers' whiskey and cigarettes (and told him nothing about how to actually win at cards), this FBI guy has made his livin' out of readin' peoples' faces. So who are we to argue? 

Beards are toxic masculinity in hair form. "Conveying aggression and opposition to feminist ideals." It doesn't matter if you're Lincoln, Keanu Reeves, an NHL player during the playoffs, or Santa Claus. Take a month or two off from shaving an you might as well be Andrew Tate. You've already committed a hate crime. And forcing women into sex work against their will can't be far behind. That soup catcher you've grown might as well be a court-ordered ankle bracelet, misogynist.

But going all bug eyes? That's love, I guess. Compassion. It's warning people of danger or something. "I told Gov. Walz his orbicularis oculi muscle was working in concert with the corrugator and frontalis muscles. He looked surprised." Maybe that's why we all love Steve Buscemi. Even when his face is at rest, he looks like a lemur:

And it's impossible not to give extra weight to his emotions and feel he's ready to warn us of danger if it should arrive. 

So there you have it. Speaking as someone who can't grow a beard (this was six weeks without shaving):

… but occasionally looks like I'm tweaking on meth in a stressful situation, I'm all about this. Take that, all you guys with enough testosterone to create thick lustrous growth! You might think you're more manly that those of us who can't. But all you're succeeding in doing is making the ladies feel like you're aggressive and opposing their feminist ideals. Where as us shorter, rounder, white-haired Lord Lackbeards will be the ones warning them of the threat you pose to them with out panic-stricken pop-eyes while holding their gaze. Politico and the FBI say so.

Of course, someone always has to come along and point out the blatant hypocrisy of the journos who post this stuff:

Not to mention how obviously xenophobic it is, since in cultures around the world, every adult male wears a beard their entire life:

But this isn't bullshit. It's science. This last month before the election is going to be wild.