Before you travel to Japan (or order sushi), READ THIS

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I’ve told you before about Japanese toilet ghosts and how to get rid of them, but I am now going to tell you about a Japanese Monster named “Kappa” (pictured in the montage above, second row, second from the right).

First, I need to explain that some Japanese believe your soul exists in a magical orb called 'Shirikodama', and this soul-filled ball resides up your ass, in your anus.   If you look at the word, Shirikodama… The 'Shiri' part translates roughly to "anus" and 'Kodama' literally means "small ball". And upon removal, the person who has their shirikodama removed will die… And that’s bad news because the monster I alluded to earlier, The Kappa, is a frog-like being who thrives on reaching up unsuspecting victims’ asses while they are swimming and removing their “anus soul”.

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Kappa are said to be roughly about the size of a child, inhabiting the ponds and rivers of Japan, but despite their small stature, they are physically stronger than a grown man.

They have a bowl-shaped indent on the top of their heads called their “dish”… This big dent retains water, and if this dish is damaged or its liquid is lost, the kappa is severely weakened. 

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(artist rendering… not an actual picture)

They also have three anuses that allow them to pass three times as much gas as humans (because that’s important to the Japanese, for some reason). 

What do kappa eat?… The cucumber is their traditional favorite meal.

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There used to be a tradition where people would write the names of their family members on cucumbers and send them afloat into the streams to prevent the family from being attacked, and in some regions, it was customary to eat cucumbers before swimming as protection.

And if you’re going to remember one thing from this blog, it's this- The kappa’s favorite food being cucumber is the reason a cucumber-filled sushi roll is known as a kappamaki.

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Please mention this the next time some coward orders a cucumber roll in a sushi joint.

In case you think I am embellishing, here is a cut and paste from the Wiki article on Kappa under the section marked: As a menace…

"Kappa have been blamed for drownings, and are often said to try to lure people into water and pull them in with their great skill at wrestling. They are sometimes said to take their victims for the purpose of drinking their blood, eating their livers, or gaining power by taking their shirikodama, a mythical ball said to contain the soul, which is located inside the anus.”

As is often the case, these monsters are created to scare people away from certain things… Godzilla has long been considered an allegory for the danger of nuclear weapons. So it is believed Kappa have been used for generations to warn children of the dangers lurking in rivers and lakes. Also, it was used as an alibi for people who drowned… Drowning victims are usually found with a distended anus, or at least a swollen anus when they are recovered from the water. 

In old-time Japan, this odd change to the body needed an explanation, so it is speculated that the shirikodama and Kappa’s insatiable desire for them was suggested as a possible explanation for these stretched-out assholes.

But let’s say this isn’t just a precautionary folktale of water safety and distended anuses… What should you do if you ever cross paths with a very strong-but-child-sized-frog-looking-to-steal-your-soul-through-your-asshole?

It is believed that there are a few ways to escape a kappa, and I will share them with you now because I worry about you… 

1. Kappa are obsessed with politeness, so if a person makes a deep bow, it will return the gesture. This results in the kappa spilling the water held in the "dish" on its head, rendering it unable to leave the bowing position until the plate is refilled with water from the river in which it lives, but if a person refills it, the kappa will serve that person for all eternity.
2. Kappa can also be driven away by their aversion to iron, sesame, or ginger.
3. And finally, they also cannot stand flatulence, so you just need to fart in their general direction to protect yourself.

Pictures from History. Getty Images.

(artist rendering… not an actual picture of a Japanese guy gassing towards a lizard man trying to steal his anus-soul)

So another arrow in your travel quiver, just in case you decide to take a trip to 'The Land of the Rising Sun'. And you can find a shitload more about Japanese customs and traditions on this latest episode of TWISTED HISTORY…

Take a report.

-Large