Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 3: Patriots vs. Jets

Things to consider while acknowledging this loss was more painful than a Diddy Freak Off Party during a Baby Oil embargo:

--There's no honey dipping this donut to make it go down easier. When you consider the utter domination the Patriots allowed on both sides of the ball, the only surprising aspect of the game is the outcome. They lost 24-3 but it felt like you could've doubled that first number and multiplied the second by zero. 

--Defensively, they played like Aaron Rodgers had the cheat code for everything they planned to do. If they were trying to trick him with disguised coverages and blitzes or whatever, then they did a pretty pisspoor job of it. He saw right through them. It was Meinertzaghen's Haversack. Named for the British officer during the Sinai and Palestinian Campaign of WWI who claimed to a have fooled the Germans by leaving dropping his satchel filled with fake battle plans where they could easily be found. Except he played himself. Because no one believed the Brits could have an officer with such a German sounding name. Or one so stupid he'd lose something so vital. He might also have been a total fraud who slaughtered innocents, not the least of whom was Mrs. Meinertzaghen. 

--The point being Rodgers knew what Demarcus Covington's defense was trying to do better than they did. Which is especially tough given that I burned a lot of calories this offseason predicting Rodgers was going to play like a 41 year old who prefers ayahuasca retreats to mandatory workouts, and he made a liar out of me. Whatever his age, there's no denying the Pats defense gave him a Curious Case of the Benjamin Buttons. 

--Offensively, it was even worse. Another thing I wasted time on all spring and summer was trying to get familiar with Alex Van Pelt's system, the way I did our old one that Charlie Weis installed and Josh McDaniels perfected. That one was all about learning what the route concepts and combinations were all about. And how they were adjusted according the coverage looks they were being shown. With this scheme as it's currently functioning, you don't need to know any of that stuff. Or even look at the routes. You could watch an entire Patriots game through a jeweler's loupe, because everything you need to understand happens between the tackles. Here's Van Pelt's system as it's currently operating:

Right now, the offensive line is a Matryoshka Doll of failure. A lack of talent inside poor coaching, which is inside neglect by the front office. We've got rookie Caedan Wallace, a right tackle a Penn St., making his first start and he's at left tackle. To the surprise of no one, he commits consecutive penalties that negate a 1st down the inside the 5, while turning a 3rd & 4 into a 3rd & 22 and a punt. Coaching-wise, they were utterly incapable of identifying, adjusting to or picking up the Jets blitzes, which came early and often. Nor did they seem to have any sort of hot routes or screen game to adjust to in order to neutralize the blitzes. The plan just seemed to be that, when an extra rusher or two came, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye (we'll get to them) were to pour a circle of salt around themselves and say a protection spell. Spoiler: They didn't work. 

--Last week after the game, Brissett talked about how Seattle seemed to be all over the play action, and suggested they might have a tell on those calls. It's impossible to watch the way the Jets defenders were anticipating the snap counts without thinking the Pats are tipping their pitches there, too. I mean, look at these two plays by Chuck Clark. First a corner blitz in which he was totally unaccounted for:

And his forced fumble/recovery on Rhamondre Stevenson:

They were greyhounds in the starting blocks all night, who knew exactly when the rabbit was coming. And still they had the discipline to not jump offside. As a result, they blew up New England's pass protection like everyone had a Hezbollah pager on their belt. (Too soon.)

--Nothing the Patriots offense tried fooled anyone. How many times did they try a misdirection play action, or a motion one way with a backside boot action going to other, only for Brissett to whip his head around to find three green helmets all up in his facemask? Too many to count. On every dropback the Jets were The Sisters, and Brissett was Andy Dufrense.

--Not that Brissett was entirely a victim of circumstances. He made his own contributions to this abysmal failure. Here, everything worked right. Out of a 3-tight end look with Hunter Henry lined up at H-back, the play action froze the Jets linebackers, the blocking held up, he had a clean pocket, and just flat out missed Austin Hooper open on an inside release, out-breaking Burst route:

On the next down, he held the ball, took a sack, and a promising drive while this was still a contest was over. 

--Bear with me for a second, because I promise you this is going somewhere. In the idyllic little beachfront community that is home to Stately Thornton Manor, a lot of the local ladies can be seen on any given day walking the beach with their heads down, in search of … something. Which I couldn't process until my own beachcombing Irish Rose explained they're collecting sea glass. Which is apparently a thing among suburban wine moms because its decorative and craftsy. And I'll point out, is also available in bulk on Amazon for short money. But apparently that's just me missing the point. Because with the pirate's treasure that is sea glass, it's not the kill. It's the thrill of the chase. All of which I say to set up what I'm going to do now. Which is sift through the coarse sand and jagged rocks of this game and find some colorful, shiny, decorative objects we can all take home and marvel at. Beginning with Pop Douglas:

This 22-yard Over route was by far the most positive play of the day. His seven catches were almost half of the entire team total. And his 69 yards were more than half. And after seeing just five targets through the first two games, he had nine on the night. I think it's most people's default setting to assume that when a wide receiver starts bellyaching about not getting touches, he's being a self-possessed, selfish, team-killing diva. Which is often true. But sometimes, like in Douglas' case, they just have a good point.

--As far as other positives, I suppose we can put this one in our pocket and add it to the collection. Douglas getting open on a Dig in front of the Jets 4 & 10 prevent:

Sure, the fact Maye was still scanning the defense when the ball came out is problematic. And since David Andrews has roughly 8,600 more snaps on his resume' than his QB, I'm putting this one on the rookie. But still, a positive play is a positive play. And might be an indication they can't keep kicking the can down the road. That Maye has to get his chance to prove himself. 

--It says a lot that the most effective play in your playbook is running Tyquan Thornton on Go routes and having him draw a DPI flag. Which so far, is the only thing the guy who was being called the best receiver in training camp has shown he's capable of doing.

--A result like this is what you can expect when both of the things this team had proven it can do well, it couldn't do at all. Which is run and stop the run. Stevenson had his worst game in recent memory. Two of his most positive plays turned out to be his worst. The fumble that gave New York the ball on New England's half of the field. And his own 19-yard run that he erased with a facemask penalty with his pinky finger, that nearly made it so he won't be drawing any Hand Turkeys at the kids' charity events this Thanksgiving. 

--Against the run, it was one of the worst performances in recent memory out of this unit. Surrendering 133 yards and a 4.0 average, but with 100 of those yards coming on missed tackles. Which is made all the worse by the fact Rodgers was having his way with them through the air. The defensive line was either getting pushed off the line, or otherwise swept aside by double teams and combo blocks that left multiple running lanes. The middle three of John Simpson, Joe Tippmann and Alijah Vera-Tucker pretty much manhandled the shortened tackle rotation of Davon Godchaux, Daniel Ekuale and Jeremiah Pharms. And by the end of the game as the snap count rose, we started to touch the rocky sea floor of the depth chart, with Eric Johnson and Armon Watts seeing time. 

--It wasn't much better on the second level. Absent Ju'Whaun Bentley, Raekwon McMillan was pressed into duty. And pretty much looked like a guy who missed all of last year and only played 41 downs this season. He seemed slow to react. Got caught in the wash a few times. Whiffed on some tackles. And he and Jahlani Tavai looked to be constantly getting taken out by guards bouncing up to the second level after throwing a chip block on one of the down linemen. There's some speculation that Bentley is not, in fact, done for the season. If this was a glimpse into what life will be like without him, let's hope the optimism is warranted.

--The Pats base Nickel secondary is loaded with guys who look like they were genetically engineered to cover tight ends. Kyle Dugger. Jabrill Peppers. Jaylinn Hawkins. Which made watching Tyler Conklin shred them up the seam all night like John Wick tearing through a hallway filled with henchmen especially frustrating.

--I suppose on a positive note, for the most part they gave Rodgers what he wanted, which was not to be touched:

--How bad was it? A night that began with such promise, Amazon using that all time banger, REO Speedwagon's "Roll with the Changes" as their opening theme, ended with Emmitt Smith doing an ad for bladder control panties. The man is the league's all time leading rusher. He once had 25 rushing touchdowns for me in Fantasy. For him to need money so much that he'll endorse Oops, I Crapped My Pants! is too much for me to bear. Someone please start a crowdfund for him so this will stop.

--I do respect Jeff Bezos running an ad for Alexa for Kids. With adorable little tykes asking their smart speaker all sorts of charming questions, like how far Mars is from Earth and whatnot. While their parents are never shown, like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. I mean, what's the worst that can happen when tech companies and assorted data miners have unlimited access to your children? As long as mom and dad have free time to play Wordle and doomscroll Facebook, it's all worth it. And to think my mom worried that watching Bugs Bunny and The Three Stooges would ruin my brain.

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote (tie):

"Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets." - Flash Gordon, Flash Gordon

"Flash! Aaahhh! Savior of the universe!" - Queen,  Flash Gordon theme song

--On a personal note that relates to what it's like to be a Patriots fan, 2022-present: Every spring my endearing Irish Rose says the same thing: That in the fall we should take a weekend and go up north into the country. And then I say, "A weekend. You mean that two day period of time, half of which I call 'NFL Sunday'?" And then she remembers what I do to keep the lights on at home. So I tell her when the schedule comes out in May, I'll see what I can do. Well because the Pats are objectively terrible and America doesn't want to watch them, this is it for prime time games. And the last Sunday off until the bye in December. Meaning this weekend, she gets her wish. It's off to Vermont to get all that Pumpkin Spice Life out of her system. Where she can channel her inner Hallmark Movie woman and hit every cliche imaginable. Fleece. Flannel. Wool hats. Cider. Apple picking? I'm in! Corn mazes? Have at it! Leaf peeping? You betcha! Driving around looking at covered bridges? Don't threaten me with a good time! She's got 48 hours to pretend the man she married isn't carrying on an unhealthy relationship with a football team he loves the same, whether they're playoff contenders or can't get out of their own way on national TV. On a positive note, Vermont is world famous for its breweries. And I'm bringing my laptop anyway. 

--So next, a team that couldn't get a blood thing going on either side of the ball goes on the road to face a Super Bowl contender. I fully expect that we're going to see more of the same, while just hoping I'm wrong. But to put in the graphic terms my comedian buddy did:

I'm still standing by my theory that Mayo takes Maye out of the carport for the Week 5 game at home against Miami. Though this might be as good a moment as any to admit nothing is working, and the time to make a change is now.