Scientists From Japan Have Been Awarded For Discovering That Mammals, Including Humans, Can Breathe Through Our Assholes

CNN - The world still holds many unanswered questions. But thanks to the efforts of the research teams awarded the IG Nobel Prize on Thursday, some of these questions – which you might not even have thought existed – now have answers.

We now know that many mammals can breathe through their anuses, that there isn’t an equal probability that a coin will land on head or tails, that some real plants somehow imitate the shapes of neighboring fake plastic plants, that fake medicine which causes painful side-effects can be more effective than fake medicine without side-effects, and that many of the people famous for reaching lofty old ages lived in places that had bad record-keeping.

Among those collecting their prizes was a Japanese research team led by Ryo Okabe and Takanori Takebe who discovered that mammals can breathe through their anuses. They say in their paper that this potentially offers an alternative way of getting oxygen into critically ill patients if ventilator and artificial lung supplies run low, like they did during the Covid-19 pandemic.

A group of scientists just won a prestigious (well, sort of) award for figuring out that mammals can breathe through their assholes. 

Apparently, these brilliant minds were inspired by sea cucumbers, those squishy ocean dwellers that can breathe through their rectums and are grosser looking than you can imagine. And loaches, a type of fish that can absorb oxygen through their hindgut.  So naturally, they thought, "Hey, why not us?!"

They then proceeded to deprive poor, unsuspecting mice, rats, and pigs of oxygen, only to pump oxygen-rich enemas up their…well, you know. And lo and behold, it worked! The animals' blood oxygen levels shot up, proving that in a pinch, your backside can be a lifesaver.

Science baby!

This discovery could have huge implications for emergency medicine. Imagine being able to administer oxygen to patients in respiratory distress without the need for invasive procedures like intubation? You can just stick a few fingers in their ass and give mouth to ass resuscitation instead? Game changer. 

But no for real, I remember my mind being blown the time I was watching a documentary on Stevie Nicks and that her cocaine use had become so bad that she developed a hole inside her nose, aka a coke-rotted septum. So in order to continue doing coke, she started absorbing it through her vagina. 

Then came the whole butt-funnel craze a few years ago and it seems like the more us humans experiment shoving stuff into our backsides, the more surprising the results. it seems to be that our holes in our undercarriages aren't so different from the holes in our face after all.