Long-Haired, Skinny Jean Loser Hurling Trays & Slurs in Panera Bread is Taught a Valuable Lesson in Manners

Entirely unacceptable way to behave as a patron of Panera Bread. You expect this type of scene at a Waffle House. Assaulting the wait staff at a Waffle House is how you ask for more syrup. Or if you're at Taco Bell and order the Enchirito, only to be told by cunt-face behind the counter that it's been discontinued, then sure, throw your Baja Blast in his face and piss on the counter. Even the other day when I went to my non-regular Chipotle, and the girl making my food started putting rice in a burrito bowl before I had even specified that I wanted a bowl. I did want a bowl, but what if I hadn't? What if I had wanted a burrito? I kept my cool, but had I hurdled the glass sneezeguard and gone full Terry Tate Office Linebacker on the crew members, I'm sure they would have understood.

But this doesn't fly at Panera Bread. Panera Bread is a classy establishment. It's a nice, vaguely Italian, slightly better than fast food restaurant where middle-class families eat after church on Sunday's. Where husbands swing by after work to pickup 3,000 calorie meals for their heavyset wives under the guise of health. Yes, the lemonade may kill you. But so can an apple, if you don't read the warning label that states, "This apple is packed full of cocaine".

The bottom line is, you should never feel rage at a Panera Bread. And you should especially never act on it.

However, it's nice to know that if someone does try to start anything, the good people of Panera, employees and customers alike, will come together to bring you to justice. You think that man in the dark blue shirt picking up $45 worth of flatbread sandwiches, pasta bowls, and pastries for his behemoth of a wife because she's watching her figure and thinks Ozempic is "too unhealthy" to put into her body isn't begging for a fight with some long-haired asshole in tight jeans and combat boots? And that the minimum wage employee, who very possibly cut her teeth at the Waffle House before getting the call up to the big leagues, doesn't know how to use a non-stick pan as a weapon? Please. You don't bring that nonsense into Panera Bread. Stand in line like an adult, Pick 2 from the menu, then wait patiently for 20-30 minutes until your $22 half a sandwich and cup of soup is ready for consumption. Then bus your own table.