Imagine Being Such a Beta Loser That The Taliban Fires You
The Telegraph - The Taliban has sacked hundreds of men from Afghanistan’s security forces because they are unable to grow beards.
Thousands of musical instruments had also been destroyed by the militant group in the past year, the notorious ministry for the propagation of virtue and prevention of vice said in its annual update.
Mohibullah Mokhlis, the director of planning and legislation at the ministry, told a press conference in Kabul that “281 beardless officers were identified, confirmed and dismissed” from the country’s security services in the past 12 months.
“The hairstyles of 450 military mujahideen were corrected to comply with Sharia law,” he added. “And some who repeated the [hairstyle] violation were sent to military courts.”
It's a tale as old as time (probably). A young boy is born into a family of proud Taliban heritage. From a young age he develops a deep, deep hatred of western civilization and exposed skin. He lies in bed every night dreaming of one day riding through the city in the back of a Toyota Hilux with 15 other men screaming at the top of their lungs, firing assault rifles aimlessly into the sky. He spends his childhood doing everything by the book. He abides by Sharia Law. Flies kites competitively. Tortures his classmates until they admit that they're gay. Learns to make bombs out of sand. Throws rocks at everybody he sees. Has sex with goats in the privacy of his own home. Convinces a comedian from Barstool that they're actually pretty chill guys. All the regular Taliban stuff.
As he gets older, he starts rubbing shoulders with the actual Taliban. They assign him a few tasks. He cleans their guns, helps guard the library, disguises himself as a door-to-door salesman to get a look inside people's homes and report back any instances of general happiness, etc. They're not monsters unreasonable. They give him time for his beard to fully develop. But despite soaking his head in a bucket of Rogaine and Just For Men twice a day since he was 9, by the time he's an adult, he still looks like modern day Delonte West...
At that point, they have no choice but to cut bait. His dreams have been shattered. He'll never get 100 virgins in the afterlife. Maybe a few virgins if he stays out of trouble. But not 100.
You'd think being a walking human sacrifice would bring enough value to the Taliban that they might keep him around. Just in case they hear a rumor about a local woman who wore white socks under her burqa one time and they need to suicide bomb her entire family to be safe. But that's not good enough anymore. It maybe was for a minute there. Based on this article, it sounds like the Taliban had gotten a bit lax with their rules. They let a few hundred beardless betas slip through the cracks. But the Taliban is tightening things up. It's either grow a beard like a respectable adult, or go back home and serve god by making your wife's life as miserable as possible. Leave the terrorism to the beards.