Rankings That Will Make People Mad, Volume I: All 30 Original Backyard Sports Kids
It has been well-documented that the Backyard Sports franchise is making its return in the coming months. Millions of '90s kids are amped up for a nostalgia overload, while the next generation is about to be introduced to a gaming series that is one of the best to ever be created.
Welcome to the first edition of "Rankings That Will Make People Mad," where today, we have all 30 of the original Backyard Sports kids ready to go. Let's get right to it…
30. Lisa Crocket
I really don't know anyone who willingly drafted Lisa Crocket. Her bio is spot-on - we don't know much about her (other than tha fact that she's not very athletic).
29. Kimmy Eckman
"A lot of heart and a little skill." Man, I had no idea that the Humongous Entertainment team was so ruthless when creating these players. Their words, not mine.
28. Billy Jean Blackwood
That's a big head of hair. She is one of the tallest players in the series, but unfortunately, the height doesn't necessarily translate to skill.
T26. Ashley and Sidney Webber
It's only fitting that we put these identical twins in the same exact spot in our rankings. There is literally nothing differentiating them, aside from their names and the direction that they are looking in their headshots.
25. Ronny Dobbs
Small kid, big heart, decent skill. There isn't much that sticks out about young Ronny.
24. Annie Frazier
All I remember about Annie Frazier was that she played in sandals. Good thing there are no injuries in the Backyard Sports series.
23. Maria Luna
Small in size, decent in athleticism. Don't you dare draft Maria if your team color is not pink.
22. Reese Worthington
In the Backyard Sports series, you need versatility. Reese Worthington lacks versatility. It's hard to feel comfortable putting him in the majority of situations.
21. Jorge Garcia
Hip-Hip… JORGE! I respect the fact that he wears a shirt and tie while playing, but that doesn't do much in terms of athletic production.
20. Luanne Lui
Teddy Bear and A LOT of speed. Luanne Lui can be a sleeper for your team, despite her youth.
19. Sally Dobbs
Sally Dobbs … George Steinbrenner (Spiderman pointing meme) - I guess they are both named "The Boss?" That's a wild nickname for her to have to be an average Backyard Sports player.
18. Gretchen Hasselhoff
Gretchen Hasselhoff won't be in your starting lineup, but she can certainly be a utility player if someone needs a day off. Don't sleep on her.
17. Ernie Steele
The homeowner (well, his parents) of the iconic Steele Stadium, it's no secret that he knows how to field the ball, especially in his own backyard. Everything else? Well, that could use some work.
16. Amir Khan
The bio stole my own thinking - it's a shame that Amir doesn't have a similar level of athleticism to his brother, Achmed. You'd think they would share similar genes, but I guess not.
15. Ricky Johnson
The one thing I remember about Ricky Johnson was that he was an ELITE kicker in Backyard Football. Does his head look like a football? Sure. But he can BOOT that pigskin.
14. Tony Delvecchio
Get the lollipop out of your mouth, Tony! You're going to choke! This kid can sling it, though.
13. Vicki Kawaguchi
Vicki is an underrated star. One of many pairs of siblings in this game, the skills run deep in the Kawaguchi family.
12. Marky Dubois
Put some shoes on, Marky. This could turn you from a good player to an elite athlete. And focus on chasing balls, not frogs (shoutout Billy).
11. Mikey Thomas
When I think of Mikey, I think boogers. This kid is ALWAYS sick. But man, he can NUKE the baseball.
10. Angela Delvecchio
One of the best pitchers in the game, but Angela is a one-trick pony. However, she can always brag that she is better than her brother, Tony.
9. Dmitri Petrovich
This one is for the nerds! He'll always have his glasses and pens handy, but you can rely on him in important situations.
8. Stephanie Morgan
A very underrated utility player, and one of the best girls in this game. I feel comfortable putting her anywhere on the field.
7. Dante Robinson
I will never understand the physics of how Dante's hat stayed on top of his head. Look at that afro, look at that cap. Makes no sense. But he is speedy.
6. Jocinda Smith
Versatility is the best part of Jocinda Smith's game. If someone is struggling on offense or defense, she can fill-in and give you a spark. She can hit the ball really well, too.
5. Kenny Kawaguchi
You have to tip your cap to Kenny Kawaguchi. Despite being in a wheelchair, he is one of, if not the best pitcher in the game. Don't let the handicap fool you.
4. Achmed Khan
I'd normally be critical of the fact that Achmed isn't locked in due to his headphones being on at all times, but that certainly doesn't affect his skills. A power hitter who can run well, too.
3. Kiesha Phillips
Kiesha is an ATHLETE. If there were a Backyard Baseball Home Run Derby, she would probably be my favorite to win. She has the size, too, which can come in handy for football and basketball. Superb.
2. Pete Wheeler
Pete Wheeler is faster than Usain Bolt. I really hope that the new game coming out soon has a combine in the football version, because we NEED an official 40-yard dash time from this redhead. The Tyreek Hill of Backyard Football.
1. Pablo Sanchez
There is no question about who the best player in the Backyard Sports Series is. Pablo Sanchez is the undisputed GOAT, and to be honest, there is a LARGE gap between him and the 29 other players in this series. He is a legend and an automatic first overall pick for every single person who has ever played this game. Bow down to the best to ever do it - Pablo Sanchez.