This Team USA Olympics Supercut Will Have You Ready To Run Through a Brick Wall of Freedom

If you had asked me two weeks ago how much I cared about the Olympics, I would have said about a 3.7 on the One Bite scale. Fast forward to the present and I think we should have the Olympics every two years instead of four. I'm addicted to winning.

We dominated the total medal count with 35 more than the next-highest country. Then every media outlet in Australia decided they wanted the smoke and said it's actually only supposed to be gold medals that count, so we got the most of those, too — they've since moved on to "gold medals per capita", somehow further embarrassing one of the already most embarrassing countries on the planet. However you want to slice it, we won.

I'm already counting down to 2028 when we bring the rest of these B-tier nations over to the States and show them how it's done yet again. Except next time, I want a beatdown the likes of which the Olympics have never seen before. Make every athlete from across the globe never want to set foot in Los Angeles again for fear of dredging up memories of failing spectacularly in the biggest moments of their lives.

It's good to have moments like these to be reminded that whatever goes wrong in this country, we're still the fucking best.