Patriots Preseason Game 1: The Joe Milton Hype Train Has Left the Station and Other Observations

Without getting into too much inside baseball stuff that matters only to me, but this season, for the first time, I've got a game day press pass. It's never been anything I was particularly interested in, since I've built this little fiefdom of mine by viewing Pats games from the same perspective as the guy watching from his couch. Beer in hand, Buffalo wings grease on his fingers, annoyed by the ads for Young Sheldon, mocking Tony Romo, etc. But last night, since it's preseason for me too, and because I wanted to get an All-22 look at what exactly the news schemes on both sides of the ball will look like, I made the sacrifice. I do and do and do for you kids, and I ask nothing in return. 

--Just as long as we're clear about some ground rules. Keep in mind that none of this matters, even if I end up doing 2,000 words, it's just to get ready for the Knee Jerk Reactions. This is still preseason fauxball, which is just a simulator. The Top Golf of sports.  These are just impressions, not conclusions. If it was up to me, they wouldn't keep score, just keep track of downs and distances and the clock. And above all else, in a month we'll all forget any of this happened.

--Now we can't waste any time getting right to the big story. The spinning newspaper, "Pearl Harbor Attacked"-sized font across the front page, multi-explanation point headline. "JOE MILTON UNSTOPPABLE IN PATS WIN!!!"

--Jerod Mayo promised us all four quarterbacks would play. And he kept that promise. But if last night was a concert, the band started off with the hits everyone came to hear for the first two songs, then launched right into their recent albums. Fortunately for everyone, the one they just released is a banger. I've spent the last two years increasingly frustrated by how seemingly every NFL offense - Kansas City and Buffalo especially - is built on making positive plays off structure. Producing results after the best laid plans of mice and men and coordinators goes astray. While in New England, everything had to work perfectly. And rarely did. And while I've been passed out on the couch in a bourbon stupor while bingeing Justified, this is what I was dreaming about:

Milton put about 80 yards on his odometer to gain 12. Which is something seemingly every one of the Top 10 QBs in the league do on a regular basis. I won't name names because it'll sound like I'm comparing a guy with less than a half of fake football on his CV to elite players. I'm just pointing out how rare this has been around here. Sadly, so have throws like this one:

JaQuae Jackson shook his defender with an out & up. Milton's first read was to Kawaan Baker on the right side, but a corner was sitting on his route, so he found Jackson breaking free and connected. The best part, aside from how quickly he went through his progessions, was the ease with which he delivered the throw. He's got a fluid, easy throwing motion, out of which the ball explodes like a rocket-propelled grenade. In all, he was 4-for-6 for 54 yards, that touchdown and no picks, with a passer rating of 134.7. 

--There was a near interception when he got baited into trying to hit Kayshon Boutte in the flat for what would've been a Pick-6 if the corner wasn't going to be out of work on cut down day. But nevertheless, he started out with seven consecutive positive-yardage plays. Engineered an 11-play, 44-yard drive that ended with a field goal. And above all else, looked like he belongs. Which is the only test he needed to pass. 

--Now, of course, comes the part where you get cautioned not to get too excited over one-plus quarter of pretend football. You just won't be getting it from me:

Sure, I could lecture you about a dozen or so Patriots rookies who looked like future NFL Top 100 nominees in August, but never amounted to jack squat. I could remind you the guys they're making plays against will be on the Best Buy Geek Squad by Labor Day. But not now. Stock market analysts love to warn everyone about the dangers of "irrational exuberance," but I won't. Because if it's rational, can it really be called exuberance? We could use something to be excited about after the last couple of dreary years. And there's no harm in getting out over our skis a little over a freakishly athletic rookie the likes of whom we haven't seen before. I'll caution you that if you start putting Milton ahead of Drake Maye in any way, shape or form, you'll be speeding down the Insanity Expressway with your brake lines cut and I'm pulling off the first exit onto Common Sense Blvd. But I'll be happy to come pick you up after you crash. But for now, just enjoy the ride. 

--As far as the other quarterbacks, there's not a lot to say. If you find yourself in a social situation this weekend, I'm going to suggest that "What did you think of Brissett and Maye?" is not the icebreaker you're looking for. Like "So how's work going?" it'll be a conversation killer every time. Brissett took one deep shot at Tyquan Thornton that was a combination of covered and slightly underthrown and had no shot. Maye proved he throws a heck of a checkdown. One a 3rd & 12 to our new 3rd down back Antonio Gibson, who got behind David Andrews and did all the rest of the work himself. Another to Kevin Harris on a 3rd & 11 under shell coverage that had little to no chance to pick up a 1st. But is the kind of safe throw coaches tend not to hate because you won't cost your team a win by taking whatever yards are available and handing it over to the punt team. But in all, those first two possessions were a double stack nothingburger without cheese or bacon. 

--I have to admit I was proud of the few intrepid souls who did show up in the rain to watch two of the three worst teams in 2023 play pretend football. The crowd size was about what you'd get if Gillette hosted the "Monsters of Yacht Rock Tour." But they cheered loudly (well, as loud as they could) when Maye took the field. And vociferously booed their disappointment when Bailey Zappe came out one series later. Nothing against Zappe, mind you. But Zappe Returns! is the sequel no one asked for. The Patriots version of Baby Boss 2: Family Business. And just gratified the good people of NCIS: Foxboro have come to their senses and no longer view him as a savior. They see him for what he is, which is a guy capable of making a good read and throw, but who is limited athletically, not the answer to anyone's prayers, and probably a career backup. There's no shame in that. 

--After further review, Zappe's best play was all the work of Boutte, who out fought the corner who had jumped the route and was about to take it back the other way:

I can promise you this morning the coaches are pausing that video at the 0:04 mark to point out that Harris was left uncovered with a 5-yard cushion at the 31 and could've either picked up the 1st or set them up for a makeable field goal. Now in his third preseason, Zappe still makes too many mental errors. 

--Speaking of mental errors, this game was an absolute mess by both teams. "Your Kid's Room When He Makes His First Visit Home From College" levels of messiness all over the place. It screamed "Two Rookie Head Coaches" from beginning to end. On the second possession, Chuks Okorafor was three full steps across the LOS, obviously setting up for a screen, before the ball was snapped. And that was just the first of many, many False Starts to come. Along with Intentional Groundings and enough Delay of Games to bend spacetime. I like to think Bill Belichick was somewhere on Nantucket enjoying a seafood dinner with his lady love at a place that has the word "Cap'n" in the name instead of watching this. For a perfectionist like him, it would've been how I feel when I go by my old house and see they're not keeping up my impeccably cared-for lawn. 

--Let's get to the schemes. Offensively, Alex Van Pelt ran a rather consistent 11-personnel look, with the receivers in 2x1s on the outside. He showed more of a balance between under-center/Gun than his reputation in Cleveland would suggest. But his Outside Zone-run game was on full display. It's just very much a work in progress because a fair amount of attempts went next to nowhere. But there were Play Actions off those looks, which is reportedly a major part of the whole point of them. So stay tuned. 

--The starting offensive line was (L to R) Vederian Lowe, Sidy Sow, Andrews, Michael Onwenu and Okorafor. I imagine that situation remains fluid and the tackle jobs for Week 1 are still very much available to be won. One guy I did clock playing late into the 4th with the scrubs was the guy taken not long after Sow, Antonio Mafi. Who picked up a Hands to the Face penalty. So he's quite possibly fighting to hang onto a spot in a very fuzzy O-line picture. 

--Defensively, DeMarcus Cousins played stuck to a very vanilla 40 front, with the center uncovered and his tackles in 3-tech and 3-shade. And well he should have stuck with it. Because no matter who he had in there, they dominated what is probably a crappy Carolina line. There were very few blitzes because there didn't have to be. They constantly had the Panthers pinned down inside their own 10, and Jack Plummer under duress for the many, many snaps he took. How bad are they?

--I've already gone on longer than I expected, so here are some bottom of the roster guys who I thought distinguished themselves and deserve to be paid attention to in the next two games:

• DE William Bradley-King. Had a terrific outside rush, beating the tackle to force a throwaway
• DE John Morgan. Wrapped Plummer up to force a Grounding penalty.
• DT Trystan Hill. Had a 9-yard QB sack.
• LB Oshane Ximines. A pressure that forced a throwaway with Carolina backed up to their goal line.
• TE Jaheim Bell. A nice catch-and-run in the flat that he turned upfield for 10 yards.
• RB JaMycal Hasty. Stood up a blitzing LB in pass protection.
• S Dell Pettus. Penetrated on run force to redirect the ballcarrier to the outside for no gain.
• CB Mikey Victor. Broke up a pass on 3rd. On the sideline, Alex Austin and Brendan Schooler went nuts on him.

So these guys bear watching. I guess. With 90 guys dressing, it's hard to track a lot of movements. Especially when coaches are holding meetings in the bench area. The sidelines end up looking like the flock in March of the Penguins, where you can really only see the ones on the outside of the circle. And even with numbers on their backs, the can be as hard to distinguish from one another as flightless aquatic Antarctic birds.

--Anyway, I did this all for you. And it was not easy. Believe me, the last 3 minutes off the game clock in the 1st half were brutal. Delays of Game. Timeouts. A replay review. At least two 2:00 warnings, if not more. It was the one form of torture The Bird didn't subject Louis Zamperini to. Too soon? Sorry. I'm just saying Louis and I are heroes in our own way. 

--Finally, just know that you will always remember this as the day the Panthers defense almost caught Joe Milton.