Boeing Has Some Very Bad News for the Astronauts They Marooned in Space Two Months Ago

The idea of being lost in space is one of the great fears of humankind as we continue to make our first baby steps beyond the surly bonds of Earth. That horror is the Yin to the Final Frontier's Yang. The Tails to the great cosmic coin flip. An awful B side to the single that is ultimate adventure of our species. The very phrase "Lost in Space" is the title of one of the cheesiest Sci-Fi shows of all time and a 1998 movie that was truly mediocre despite an all-star cast. But the idea of it inspired some of the greatest art of the 20th century, from a dozen or so of the best Twilight Zone episodes, the book and film 2001: A Space Odyssey, the David Bowie song "Major Tom." I could name more, but you get the point. The idea of being left in the vacuum of space, with nothing but a fragile, man-made vessel to keep you alive is a deeply held, primordial fear that even the most terrestrial, earthbound human can relate to.

And two months ago, it became reality for two intrepid astronauts brave enough to put their trust in the engineering skills of the company that keeps losing parts off all its passenger jets:

That would be the same manufacturer who went way out of their way to make an already phallic object look exactly like an uncircumcised dick & balls:

Joe Marino. Shutterstock Images.

They ought to just call the company "Boing." And call this thing a "cocket." Why not just go full Dr. Evil with this spacedick?  

Yet for these two bold space adventurers, the news that was already approaching Mystery Science Theater 3000 badness:

… just got appreciably worse:

Daily Mail - NASA astronauts stranded due to Boeing's faulty Starliner received horrifying news on Wednesday about their return mission to Earth.

Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore, who have already been trapped on the International Space Station (ISS) for more than two months, may not come back to Earth until February 2025.

Tuesday marked 60 days the Starliner crew has been in space - instead the intended eight day mission.

Thruster failures and helium leaks on Starliner prompted NASA and Boeing to keep the two astronauts in orbit for longer over fears a trip back on the spacecraft could end in disaster. …

Boeing's testing so far has shown that four of Starliner's jets had failed in June because they overheated and automatically turned off, while other thrusters re-fired during tests appeared weaker than normal because of some restriction to their fuel.

While our concern should be for Williams and Wilmore and nobody else, it's still worth pointing out that us taxpayers are paying Boeing $4.2 billion to launch these poor souls into orbit. But apparently that's not enough to complete the most important part of the mission, which is to bring each of them back in one piece.

And now it's looking like Suni is going to have to record a message in a droid saying "Help me, Elon Musk. You're my only hope." And because this wasn't SpaceX's charter, that could take until February. 

Think about that. You launch on June 5th. You've cleared your calendar on Earth for eight days. Maybe two weeks, with the understanding traveling to the ISS is a highly complicated task and technical glitches are always to be expected. Fine. And now here it is, two months later and they're telling you to hang in there another seven months. To put that in perspective, if they had headed out into the solar system instead of low Earth orbit, they could've reached Mars in the time it will NASA to rescue them. Or in terms we can all relate to: When Williams and Wilmore strapped in and listened to the countdown begin, the NFL schedule had been out a couple of weeks. Now they're founding out they'll miss the entire season. 

But in a weird way, their experience is something we can all relate to. This is something we all experience any time we rely on Boeing products. Technical difficulties. Shoddy manufacturing. Lack of quality control. Delays. Empty promises that are quickly broken. Getting stuck somewhere with no way to make it to your final destination. While being lied to the whole time. 

NASA ought to hire a smiling, insincere airline gate attendant to get on the radio to the ISS and just keep telling Williams and Wilmore they're working on the problem, are sorry for any inconvenience this might cause, will keep them informed with information as soon as it's available, and refer them to the customer service number if they have any further questions. And above all, explain why they don't qualify for the $3,800 liability promised by FAA regulations for a canceled flight. 

I say again, this is what happens when government contracts go to the lowest bidder.