Presidential Candidate Robert F. Kennedy Confesses to Rosanne That He Left a Dead Bear in Central Park and Framed it as a Bike Accident Back in 2014

The presidential race between nearly assassinated real estate mogul Donald Trump, and woman Kamala Harris has been so contentious that I fear we've overlooked how much of a gem we have in third-party candidate Robert Francis Kennedy.  Before this bear story, the video of RFK fielding a phone call from Donald Trump post-assassination attempt was already my favorite viral moment that's come out of this election.

But the RFK dead bear saga tops it. And I have to think that if you peel back the layers of the onion that is RFK, you're going to get a hundred more stories as comical as these.

But far be it from me to judge RFK for this silly little bear mishap. This happened in 2014. That was a long time ago. RFK has matured since then. He was only 60 years old at the time.  Let the man who has never been driving behind a woman who runs over a bear cub with her car but the dead bear wasn't too scratched up so you threw its carcass in the back of your van with the intentions of skinning it and storing its meat in your freezer but you and your pals had a big day of hunting animals with hawks ahead of you so you couldn't just take the bear home and then your hawk hunt went so well that you lost track of time and had to go straight to Peter Lugar's to catch your dinner reservation then the dinner went long so you didn't have time to take the dead bear home before your flight and you stayed perfectly sober the entire time so you were driving but your drunk friends convinced you to ditch the bear in Central Park on your way to the airport and frame it as a bike accident because you just so happened to have an old bicycle in your trunk and there had recently been a string of bike accidents in Central Park, then the next day the dead bear you left in the middle of Manhattan was all over the news because you don't normally find bears in New York City, but nothing ever came of it until a decade later when you decided to run for president and somebody at the New Yorker caught wind of the story so you had to get ahead of the situation by coming clean to Rosanne sipping coffee over a rack of ribs and a bunch of side dishes from City Barbecue cast the first stone. 

Heady move by RFK to get out in front of this situation. I'm sure the "journalists" at the New Yorker were planning to take this story and use it to paint Robert in a negative light. But RFK's hands were tied. What other options did he have? Put the bear back on the road where he found it? Throw the bear in a dumpster? Hold a bear funeral in the woods? Do quite literally anything else other than concoct a hare-brained scheme that involved using the dead bear to stage a Central Park bicycle accident? Don't be ridiculous.

RFK's intentions were pure. He intended to honor the bear by mounting it's head above his fireplace, turning it's furry bear skin into a tasteful coat, and hosting a series of bear meat barbecues at his Westchester estate. But there's only so much time in the day. RFK simply ran out of time that day. Nobody was harmed by his actions. The bear was already dead. By no means should this affect his ability to garner an embarrassingly low amount of votes this coming election. Find a new slant New Yorker.