The Beginner’s Guide to Shitting at a Friend’s House
Today’s episode of KFC Radio features a really cool interview with DJ Premier, Marc Roberge, and Brady Watt where the three talk about their new song “Gonna Be Me (the friendship song)” and give great nuggets about their respective careers.
During the podcast, Brady told the story of everyone’s biggest fear: Taking a shit at your friend’s house and then discovering the flusher is broken once you’re done.
There’s nothing worse than when you’re at a friend’s house with all their family around and you know wheels have been put into motion for something that cannot be undone…you’re gonna have to play an away game. With the right steps followed though, it can be a rather stress-free experience. So without further ado:
The Beginner’s Guide to Shitting at a Friend’s House
Step 1: Make it Discreet
The one thing you never want to do when you’re put in this situation is draw attention to it. It’s like organizing the perfect crime…if we’ve ever heard about it then you already haven’t executed properly. Pull your friend to one side away from everyone else in the room, fill him in on the pressing matter, and ask where the most secure bathroom is that likely has the longest elapsed time before someone else steps in it. That’s your spot.
Step 2: Analyze Your Surroundings
Can’t be having any bumps in the road once it’s already too late, so before you sit down it’s essential to go through a mental checklist of three massive things:
Toilet Paper
Just a pretty important thing to have on hand when you’re in the business of taking a shit.
Plunger
If you have to make use of this then things have gone massively wrong and you probably didn’t read this full blog but hey, it’s better to be safe than sorry. We’re covering all our bases here.
Air Freshener
You’re one sick puppy if you’re gonna willingly let the next person that comes into this bathroom smell the absolute worst aromas that you have inside of you. Have this on hand in DROVES. Maybe give yourself a little spray too before you leave.
Step 3: Courtesy Flush
People who clog toilets blow my mind when we live in a world where courtesy flushes are a known thing. Once the kids have been dropped off at the pool and you’re all set to clean up the crime scene: flush before you wipe. Simple as that and you get to avoid the most awkward conversation of all time having to ask your buddy where he puts his dirty plungers.
Step 4: Leave it in Better Shape Than You Found it
Yup, just like your high school coach used to say to you when you were in an away locker room. The biggest priority here is making sure there’s no skid marks in the toilet, but just be a courteous guest on top of that…fold the hand towel properly, center the box of tissues, close the lid of the toilet seat. Do it all.
Step 5: The Exit
You’ve likely been gone from the group for 7-10 minutes at this point, so they know something is up. I’ve found the best way to go about this is to come back with a snack and drink in hand. If you’re lucky, then people will maybe think you took a rather long piss and then took a bit to decide on a snack.
There you have it, the foolproof guide to taking a shit at your friend’s house without raising any red flags.
Today’s interview was an absolute must-listen for anyone out there that’s even remotely interested in music, check it out!