This French Diver Going Viral For Having a Massive Hog Might Have The Best Life Out of All The Lives

ANNE-CHRISTINE POUJOULAT. Getty Images.

This is Jules Bouyer's. He is French. He is a medal hopeful in the Men's Synchronized 3m Springboard Final at this year's Olympic games. But nobody cares how in sync Jules Bouyer will be diving with his teammate Alexis Jandard at tomorrows final. The people just want to gawk at Jules Bouyer's ginormous hog stuffed into a skin tight Speedo.

Minas Panagiotakis. Getty Images.

Mondadori Portfolio. Getty Images.

Those aren't even the pictures going viral. Those pictures are actually pretty modest. I'm still not sure exactly what we are or aren't allowed to post when it comes to the Olympics. It seems like every time we post anything that doesn't come from an official Olympic social media account it gets taken down. But I'm told if we stick with Getty images then were ok. Those are the best Getty images I could find. But then I see all these other sites who seem to get away with posting whatever the hell they want, including the viral Jules Bouyer penis picture. So maybe the Olympics just hate Barstool. I have no idea.

Anyways, if I'm an athlete, and I'm ranking the best possible outcomes from competing at the Olympics. I would put them in this order

1. Win a Gold Medal
2. Have The World Talk About How Huge Your Dick Is 
3. Win a Silver Medal
4. Win a Bronze Medal

I'm not even confident putting gold medal at #1. I mean who really cares about synchronized diving? If I'm winning the gold medal for the individual all-around in gymnastics, then yes, I would take that over the world knowing I have a huge dick. But there's a whole lot of events that nobody cares about. Events that nobody watches and nobody will remember by this time next week. But the image of your 10-inch johnson coiled up into a skin tight swimsuit will be seared into people's brains for the rest of eternity. That's pretty cool

When it comes to people I'd like to trade lives with, Jules Bouyer is near the top of my list. He truly might be #1. I don't want to be the most famous person in the world. I don't want to be the richest person in the world. There's a lot of bullshit that comes with that. Above all else, I want to have a comfortable life. I want to do something I love for living. I want to have a little bit of fame, but nothing that's overwhelming. I want to be hot and jacked. Jules Bouyer fits that mold to a T. 

You're probably thinking, "Well I don't know if synchronized diving necessarily pays the bills. I'm sure he has to work a day job."

That's correct. When Jules Bouyer isn't diving in unison with equally jacked, less-endowed Frenchmen, he works as a professional model. That's a pretty good life if you ask me. 

As we all know, the Olympic Village is one big orgy. All the best, most in-shape athletes in the world come together as one, and co-exist in the same tiny community. They've spent 4 years training vigorously for their specific event. But at the Olympics, they really only have to compete for a day or two. That's a lot of downtime. Plus, all the hot athletes you're surrounded by… you're never going to see them again. You might not even speak the same language. It's the ultimate casual sex situation. 

Now imagine you're the hot 22-year old French diver who's gone viral for having a huge dick. Every girl who walks past him thinks, "Oh my god that's the huge dick guy. I wonder what that's like. I better find out." 

Jules Bouyer is in heaven right now. Literally heaven. That is what heaven should be like. That is exactly what Al-Qaeda promises their terrorists. People will literally hijack commercial flights and commit horrific, unspeakable acts on the off-chance they might get to experience what Jules Bouyer is experiencing at this very moment.

I tip my cap to you Jules. You're a blessed man. I hope you're making the most of your situation.