What To Expect When You’re Expecting Four Feet Of Camera Up Your Ass.

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I am writing this NOT as a public service because I stopped caring about the public a long time ago. 

Instead, I am writing this as a service for my boss, Dave Portnoy, after hearing he’s about to undergo his first colonoscopy. 

I don’t know what your definition of “expert” is, but I’ve been ‘scoped’ eight times. So, even though that may not make me an “expert” on the procedure… I don’t mind saving that title for the doctors who perform it… I do think my experience gives me enough license to at least talk a friend through his first time. 

So here goes… 

Dear Dave, 

As you are only a day away from losing your anal virginity in one of the most intrusive manners possible, I have a couple of words of advice. 

First off, don’t even think to yourself, “Lose my anal virginity? Large, I’ve had multiple fingers shoved up there in the past. Be it from a physician checking my prostate, or maybe an overly-aggressive date… Well… Checking my prostate… But in a more romantic manner.”

Being scoped digitally (with fingers) versus what you’re about to go through is like comparing apples and oranges. Better yet, it’s like comparing apples to a four-foot banana that is about to be gently guided up inside of you. 

I know you don’t have a time machine, but in case you need to go through this process again, just know you’ve already made a fatal mistake before it’s even begun. According to your latest tweet, it looks like you carbo-loaded the day before your fast and your laxatives. That did not do you any favors. 

The whole idea of fasting and laxatives is to TOTALLY clean out your system before the medical team takes a joyride up your ass. The laxatives are high-powered and extremely effective, but you’ve now given them even more work to do. You will eventually get to a point where you are shitting clear liquid, but now that process has been slowed because you’ve thrown a bunch of carbohydrate roadblocks in the way. 

Not a huge deal, but maybe ease into this process next time with more roughage. 

Secondly, we’re not close enough friends for me to know what the biggest shit you ever took looks like, but be prepared to give that former monster the silver medal because you are just hours away from taking a gold medal dump that might finally help you pass the nickel you swallowed in the First Grade. 

After my third or fourth colonoscopy, I had roll bars installed in my master bath, just so I had something to hold onto during the hour-long exorcism that was about to be performed in my rectum. 

My next point is this… Propofol is awesome. 

Propofol is the milky-white liquid that will be fed through your IV before the scope begins, and it’s unlike any anesthesia you’ve ever had. On top of knocking you out gently, it also stimulates dopamine. So on top of having a great nap, you’re also going to feel an overwhelming sense of euphoria… I like to call it the “Velvet Hammer” because it hits hard but you don’t mind because it feels so good. 

I am too lazy to look it up, but I believe propofol is one of the drugs Michael Jackson was addicted to, so if you don’t take my word for it, maybe you’ll take the recommendation of the King of Pop. 

The procedure itself is almost too easy… The only pain you will feel will be when the nurse attaches the IV. But once that pipeline is installed, the rest is gravy. 

“Close your eyes and count backward from 10, Mr. Portnoy” is what you’ll probably be asked once the magic gets sent through the IV, but just know you won’t make it to 8. 

My first time, I closed my eyes and started the countdown from 10, but I opened my eyes once I got to 7 to tell the anesthesiologist I needed a bigger dose, only to find out that between what I thought was a one-second countdown from 8 to 7 was actually a half hour nap on the operating table, and I was already being wheeled back to recovery. 

Oh… And recovery is fucking WEIRD. 

The procedure requires the doctor to shoot air into your colon so the scope can get a better view of your innards, which means the air needs to come out in recovery. 

Gas pains can be absolutely BRUTAL, so the medical team will not let you go home until you pass gas in the recovery room. And they urge you to gas loud enough for them to hear it, so they know you are not lying about it just to beat traffic. 

Pray for ugly nurses because my pride made it mortifying to 'crack one off' in front of the attractive young lady who was sitting next to my bed the first time around. 

I’ve always had ‘work’ done during my scopes… Here's something I never put on my resume- My colon was/is riddled with polyps. Polyps that have to be removed and biopsied each time I get a colonoscopy, and that can cause some residual internal soreness. But if they find out that you're the perfect asshole we all assume you are, and no removals or surprise procedures are necessary, you’ll be back on your feet within hours of leaving the hospital. 

I’m trying to think if there’s anything else… Oh, yeah… Bring thick socks or ask for some surgical slippers once you get in there because your extremities will get cold in that operating room and beyond. I think they keep the temps low to stifle any of the smells that might come from patients who gorged themselves on chicken parm the night before their prep. 

And that’s about it, Dave. 

It’s an extremely easy procedure to have but equally important to do once you turn 40, so "leading from behind" is a wonderful thing for your massive following… I’ve been urging family and friends to get scoped for decades but to no avail. Maybe now that they see Miss Peaches’ dad doing it, it might force their hand. 

Get well soon, boss. 

-Large

PS Here's a picture of the colonoscope they will use to snake your drain… I think seeing it beforehand makes it less surprising than seeing it for the first time while you have your ass in the air watching them lube it up in a propofol-induced stupor…

Shutterstock Images.

Happy trails, my captain.

-L

PPS There's a brand new episode of Twisted History that just dropped outlining US Presidential assassinations and assassination attempts… Being told it's a "delightful romp" and "perfect to listen to while waiting for your asshole to contract."