RANDOM FRIDAY MUSINGS
Happy Friday, everyone.
Couple of things to think about heading into the weekend...
First off... I believe it was KFC who brought this to my attention, but apparently, younger people do not like it when we "olds" use a lot of ellipses.
As a frequent ellipses user (I've used them twice already in as many sentences), I will combat this sentiment by saying I don't like that the "youngs" think people care about their preference for punctuation.
Honestly, this world is fucking falling apart before our very eyes, so maybe save your disgust for some other made-up 'cause du jour', or perhaps just take a beat and choose the "shut the fuck up" option next time you have an opinion about... Well... About anything, really.
I know a lot of the younger generation are ambitious go-getters who are working tirelessly at making the world a better place, but even you know an equal number of people you graduated high school alongside who have been NOWHERE and done NOTHING but feel they know EVERYTHING because they watched a couple of impactful TikToks.
Meanwhile, the only TikToks they should be fixated with are these...
And...
And…
And…
Sorry if that ruffles some barely-legal feathers, but there will be nothing but positive vibes for the rest of this blog.
(wait for the turn)
I saw two movies this week, and I would recommend both…
I walked out of the original Twister when I attempted to see it in theaters back in 1996… The original Mission: Impossible was playing next door, so I bailed on an alive Bill Paxton in favor of a young Tom Cruise with very little regret… But I thoroughly enjoyed the recent remake/sequel/prequel/whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it.
Nowhere near a 10 out of 10, and I don't think I would've enjoyed it as much if I hadn't seen it in a Dolby theater where the seats actually shook during the most stormy scenes. Those vibrating seats had the men in the theater feeling like they were part of the action and had the women even damper than a shirtless Glen Powell in a rainstorm.
I guess what I am saying is- If you're waiting to watch the new Twister at home, don't… Unless, of course, you have vibrating seats and Dolby sound.
The second flick I saw was the new Deadpool, and that thing was damn near a 10 out of 10 for me. The nostalgic cameos gave me a nerdy erection, and even though I am tired of Ryan Reynolds' schtick in just about everything else, all of his smarmy jokes hit when he mumbled them behind that mask. Except for the one you have to wait 15 minutes for… The post-credit scene is an easy one to skip if you'd rather opt to beat the rest of the theater to the exits.
What else?… Oh, yeah!… My advanced age has finally made my life easier, for once.
This won't "hit" with a number of my readers under 50, so take this next tidbit as a Ghost of Christmas Future-type warning… Your genitals get longer as you age.
And not "longer" in a way that will make you want to dabble in lemon porn. "Longer" as in gravity is slowly pulling all of our pieces closer to the grave, and that truth is never more evident than when you see an older woman's drooping breasts or an older dude's pendulous balls.
But, Large… How do sagging genitals make your life easier?
I'm getting to it.
We are in the midst of a heatwave in the Northeast and beyond, but I still threw on a hooded sweatshirt before I headed out to see Deadpool. The hoodie is a staple for any visit to the movies because my regular theater keeps their auditoriums especially cold, and being a bald man, I don't feel comfortable resting my naked head on a public seat. I am not a pro-vaccine guy and I wore a mask reluctantly during the pandemic. However, my laissez-faire opinion towards Fauci does not also apply to my deadly fear of lice. And if any parents are reading this, you know what I am talking about. So even though a hoodie may not be the most effective way to keep those chiggers off of my dome, I sleep more soundly knowing that I wore one.
So, it's 90 degrees out, and the short walk from my air-conditioned car into the air-conditioned theater was long enough to cause my cock and balls to droop from the heat. Once I got inside, I immediately headed towards the men's room to empty the piss tank before the 2-hour flick.
Standing in front of the urinal, I remembered I was wearing drawstring shorts… The kind where you have to suck in your gut in order to tie them tight enough so they won't fall down. For a split second, I dreaded the idea of untying and then tying them up again, but then I remembered my droopy dick. So, instead of untying anything, I just hiked up one of the legs of my shorts and allowed my member to flop out in front of the urinal.
Once I drained the dragon, I packed my junk back up into my shorts and went to see the movie without washing my hands.
Again, this revelation will not resonate with most of you reading this right now, but I guarantee a time will come when you will sit down to take a dump on a warm day, and for the first time, your seasoned nuts will dunk into the toilet water below.
When that happens, remember that Uncle Large predicted it would happen… Just like Nostradamus, if Nostradamus only dealt with predictions involving old dicks.
That's all I have right now… Solid 1,000 words and I only used ellipses 20 times… Now 21, in order to say, "Fuck you" to the grammar police camped out in their parents' basements.
Have a great weekend. Squeeze as much as you can out of it, and take a report.
-Large
NASCAR is on a 2-week break during the Olympics, but Rubbin' Is Racing is giving race fans plenty to think about on their time off… Give it a listen.
TAR
-L