USA Olympic Soccer (Men) Are Owners of The Saddest Statistic of All-Time

Scott W. Coleman. Shutterstock Images.

(10 of the 11 players pictured will not be participating in the Olympics)

If you Google, "When do the Olympics start?", the internet will tell you July 26th. But that's not true at all. I learned this morning that Olympic Soccer is well underway. Spain tied assholes Uzbekistan (1-1) this morning. Argentina tied Morocco 2-2 on one of the wildest goals I've ever seen in the 15th minute of extra time. 

UPDATE: I'm sorry this is for a different blog… but since I wrote this there have been some serious developments in the Argentina-Morocco game

Anyways… the United States play France this afternoon at 3 PM EST. (full schedule + groups)

Olympic soccer is one of the dumber Olympic sports. It shouldn't be. It should be one of the best. But for whatever reason, Men's Olympic Soccer is a U23 tournament. Even the best players under 23 don't play. For example, that 16-year old child from Spain who dominated the World Cup is not on Spain's roster. I'm assuming FIFA has bullied the Olympics into doing this so that it doesn't take away from The World Cup. 

America qualified for the Olympics this year for the first time since 2008. After seeing that they play today, I thought I'd look up their odds to see if we even have a sliver of a 1% chance to make a run this year. Their odds actually aren't as bad as I thought (source: Kyle Bonn - The Sporting News)

Not horrible. Congratulations to us for achieving 5th best odds in the Olympics this year. 

But as you see in the 'Best Finish' column, we've never managed to win an Olympic gold. Not all that surprising. But hey, at least we managed a silver medal one time. Even if it pre-dates WWI. However, you'll notice an asterisk next to our coveted 1904 silver medal. This asterisk led me to what has to be the saddest moment in American soccer history.

The 1904 Olympics were the 3rd Summer Olympics ever, and only the 2nd time soccer was played. It's hard to even consider Olympic Soccer in 1904 a legitimate event. The Olympics that year were held in St. Louis as a part of the St. Louis World's Fair. Nobody in Europe wanted to come, as it was fucking impossible (i.e. too expensive, took way too long) to get to St. Louis. Also, the Russo-Japanese war was going on. The Olympics that year were one big American dick suck. 523 of the 630 athletes were American. We won 239 of the 280 medals. A record we proudly still hold to this day. (History)

So soccer that year featured 3 club teams… 2 of which were from America. The other, a Canadian powerhouse of a club from Galt, Ontario.

- Christian Brothers College (USA)
- St. Rose Parish (USA)
- Galt F.C. (Canada)

Again, to even call this "The Olympics" is a stretch. It was barely a competition at all. I played in more heavily contested baseball tournaments when I was 9-years old. But the IOC still counts it. The medals handed out at the 1904 Olympics are real medals that count the same as any other. The soccer tournament was a straight round robin. Each team would play each other one time. No championship game. It was the United States' best and possibly only chance to claim a gold in soccer. Every Olympics since then would feature teams from Europe and South America. All we needed was for one of our country's churches to find a way to overcome Galt F.C. 

Wikipedia - Galt F.C. had little difficulty with either of the U.S. squads, defeating them both without conceding a goal. The U.S. teams played a scoreless draw before Christian Brothers College won a rematch against St. Rose Parish, 2–0.

Game 1 
Galt F.C. - 7
Christian Brothers College - 0

Game 2
Galt F.C. - 4
St. Rose Parish - 0

Game 3
Christian Brothers College - 0
St. Rose Parish - 0

Good try, good effort, America. Zero total goals scored between 2 teams. But thankfully, as a treat, the Olympics allowed the two American squads to play a rematch. Because as we all know, soccer hates ending matches in a draw.

Game 4 (rematch)
Christian Brothers College - 2
St. Rose Parish - 0

Spin Zone: With that 2 (actually 0) goal showing in the 1904 Olympics, The United States became the ONLY nation to ever achieve 2 medals in a single Olympic soccer tournament. Pretty impressive! 1 silver. 1 bronze. Those 2 medals are the only medals The United States has ever won in soccer. Never again has our men's soccer team stood on the podium. 

Told you it was a depressing stat. But maybe this year will be different. American soccer is on the rise right? We actually have one player on our Olympic team who plays for Chelsea in the Premier League. Gabriel Solnina. He's one of only 9 Premier League players on an Olympic roster this year. More than Iraq can say. Maybe we stand a chance.

USA's quest for their 3rd* medal in men's soccer kicks off today at 3 PM EST against gold medal favorite France. But then we have New Zealand, followed by Guinea. There's a non-zero chance we win both of those. So get your shit together boys. Go get us our first medal in 120 years. We can't keep having 1904 as our only soccer medals we have to show for.