Time to Panic: Costco is Selling Pallets of Doomsday Buckets That Will Feed You For 11 Years

Mashed - Whether you believe in the Doomsday Clock or not, there's nothing wrong with being prepared for any potential disasters that may come your way. Food and water are the most commonly bought survival items according to a 2023 Finder survey, with 21% of Americans investing in the staples. If you're looking to get started on a stockpile (or expand on the one you've got), Costco wants to offer you a deal. From now through July 28, the big-box retailer is offering $20 off ReadyWise Emergency Food Supply buckets, which are available in-store or through the Costco website. This will drop the kit's usual price tag of $99 to $79 while supplies last. With 150 servings of food included in each kit, that brings the total cost of each serving to roughly $1.90 after the savings.

It's officially time to panic people. The incoming president has been shot in the ear. Israel and Palestine are at war. Russia continues to occupy Ukraine. Dave Portnoy is firing flare guns aimlessly around the Nantucket Harbor. Drake is a pedophile. Society is crumbling. World War III is right around the corner. Soon enough we'll all be left to fend for ourselves with no access to the modern conveniences we've taken for granted throughout our cushy, millennial, drama free lives. Up until now, the biggest problem we've faced as a society is what to do about trans athletes averaging quadruple-doubles at DIII high schools. But everything is about to change. And thankfully, much like for every other situation, Costco Wholesale has you covered.

A single pallet of Costco ReadyWise Doomsday Buckets, for the reasonable price of $2,499 (with a Costco membership), comes with a variety of dishes that will sustain a single man locked in a bunker for up to 11 years. 

Pasta Alfredo - 432 servings
Cheesy Macaroni - 432 servings
Teriyaki Rice - 216 servings
Creamy Pasta & Veggies - 216 servings
Potato Pot Pie - 216 servings
Tomato Basil Soup w/Pasta - 216 servings
Chicken Noodle Soup - 216 servings
Brown Sugar & Maple Multi-Grain - 432 servings
Apple Cinnamon Cereal - 432 servings
Crunchy Granola - 216 servings
White Rice - 360 servings
Vanilla Pudding - 576 servings
Whey Milk Alternative - 864 servings
Orange Drink - 576 servings

Now I can't speak to the quality of the dishes. I'm sure they don't hold a candle to Factor Meals (Promo Code rundown50 for 50% off your first order). All of the food is freeze dried and chock full of preservatives that may or may not give you full-body cancer by year 7. But I'll hold off judgement until I hear whether or not A.J. and Big Justice give the ReadyWise Buckets a Boom or a Doom. 

I'm considering picking up 2 pallets. One to keep in storage for when I absolutely need it, and one to keep myself fed for $1.60 per day up until then. That's just smart budgeting. If you lived strictly off Costco doomsday buckets you'd be retired by age 50. I spent $18 for lunch at Five Guys today and that didn't even come with a drink. Honestly, the more I think about it, this might just be the best way to live. World ending or no, if you can eliminate food expenses almost entirely, just think of all the amazing things you'd be able to afford. First class flights, courtside seats, High Noon's, non-diseased prostitutes, the drug addiction of your choosing. Then when things get out of hand, you'll have enough money to check into one of those rich people tropical island rehabs.

Do the smart thing people. If Costco is selling doomsday buckets, you know something big is coming (don't pay attention to the fact they've already been selling these for over a year, if you don't think Costco was given the script years in advance you've got your head in the sand).

So scoop up a pallet of ReadyWise Doomsday buckets before it's too late. For $2,499 to keep you alive for 11 years, you'd be crazy to pass it up. That's long enough to keep you safe in an attic during Hitler's prime. Just picture it. The world is burning around you. But you're nice and safe in your bunker. It's nothing but you, your pallet of food buckets, and an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons (just in case) as you lead your alma mater to 2,587 consecutive national championships in College Football 25. I can think of much worse ways to ride out the apocalypse.