If There's Anything Better Than Dating Caitlin Clark, it's Probably Theo Von Throwing You a Vegas Birthday Party Filled Smokeshows in Bikinis

Despite what you might have been told by your mom, by your kindergarten teacher, and by Wow Wow Wubbzy, you're not special. Not everybody is. If they were, then "special" would, by its very definition, cease to mean anything. 

As Jordan Peterson has pointed out repeatedly, life is about hierarchies. From the lobsters crawling the sea floor to the highest reaches of human society, there's always going to be someone who has it all, and many, many, many more who have relatively nothing. And by the most basic laws of arithmetic, the odds you belong to the latter group are overwhelming. 

Take for example Conner McCaffery. The fact he's dating Caitlin Clark would, in and of itself, be enough to put him among the One Percenters. Now add to it that the most celebrated athlete in America in 2024 is professing her love to him on his birthday to her 2.7 million followers puts him safely in the top 1% of the One Percenters. 

Now we come to find out that membership in that club comes with yet more privileges. Namely, the chance to have a podcaster with twice Caitlin's social media audience celebrating that same birthday with you in Las Vegas. In style. 

When we last heard from Theo Von, his assistant was stepping into the Rough 'n Rowdy ring:

Now he's helping a guy who's already living his best life live it even better:

If you're one of those guys whose best hope for your next birthday is a night out at Buffalo Wild Wings and your girlfriend's annual "Taking one for the team" uninspired blowie, you don't need a reminder about how unfair life is. But here it is, in living color. 

Of course this wouldn't be 2024 if there weren't fans of Clark's appalled at the sight of McCaffery having this kind of fun. No matter how harmless it is. No matter that he's not hiding anyone from anyone. The Twitter Puritans are aghast as the display of debauchery offending their virgin sensibilities:

So you indignant, self-righteous ninnymuggins are worried about Caitlin Clark? Try worrying about yourselves. Your concern is wasted on her. Clark is a strong, confident, independent woman in an obviously committed relationship who needs sympathy from you about as much as she needs if from the perimeter defenders who are struggling in vain to keep her from scoring. She's going around packing arenas and silencing crowds that have the audacity to come out hoping to see her fail. Warrior princesses like her don't need to worry about anything. Not even the flagrant fouls not being called when she's on the receiving end. 

Sure, men are naturally attracted to attractive women in attractive swimsuits. But what these keyboard cowgirls who are trying to ride to her defense fail to realize is we're even more attracted to power. To strong-minded, fearless winners. When Caitlin Clark is professing her love to you, a bunch of bikini models in a Vegas hotel room celebrating your birthday mean nothing more than the giant costumed vermin running around in your local Chuck E. Cheese. 

Keep doing you, Connor. And keep slaying, Queen.