White Boy Summer Is Cancelled: Chet Hanks Is Going On Podcasts Talking About Sobriety

Less than 2 months ago, Chester Marlon Hanks aka Chet Hanks aka Chet Hanx aka Chet Haze took to Instagram to announce to the world that he had consulted with the heavens, felt a westward breeze, and saw his own shadow upon emerging from a dark strip club. And as we all know, as sure as Punxatawney Phil seeing his shadow when arising from his burrow on February 2nd means there will be a long winter, Chet Hanks seeing his shadow at sunrise after 8 hours in the VIP section of the Spearmint Rhino means there will undoubtedly be a White Boy Summer.

So imagine my surprise when I logged onto the internet today and saw the following story.

The Greyhound actor explained that although he no longer does drugs, he struggled with cocaine in the past

Tom Hanks' son, Chet Hanks, recently admitted to abusing drugs in the past. During his appearance on the latest episode of the Raw Talk podcast, the 33-year-old actor recalled doing so much cocaine that even “cokeheads” told him to “chill.” 

The Greyhound actor explained that although he no longer does drugs, he struggled with cocaine in the past. “The drug I had the most problem with was just f**king coke, dude,” the Empire star told podcaster Bradley Martyn. “I’m a f**king cokehead, straight-up. Not anymore, but that is my drug of choice — cocaine, bro, like Tony Montana,” he confessed. 

What the fuck Chet Hanks? So is that it? Is White Boy Summer cancelled? Are we all hanging up the sack, losing our dealer's number, getting full-time summer jobs and treating women with respect for the rest of the season? I'm sorry Chet, but when you declared it to be a White Boy Summer back in May, people made plans for a White Boy Summer. What in the hell are people supposed to think if their fearless leader is gonna let one measly little Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson led intervention throw him off course to the point that he's preaching sobriety on podcasts that nobody listens to. 

Think about who you're letting down Chet. Just think about the 19-year old college sophomores at state schools across the country. The one's who have convinced their parents to let them stay at the frat house over the summer, who for the first time in their lives have steady hook-ups. The one's who aren't quite hot and confident enough to talk to girls, but now that they've established themselves as the cocaine guy have a stranglehold on the social scene. The one's who are still in the early stages of their cocaine habit, at the point where cocaine is still fun. Before they've blown all their money and started failing all their classes. Before they're forced to move back to their parents and take community college classes for a year to prove that they can handle being on their own again. Think about the kids in that very short lived but very awesome sweet spot of life. What about them Chet? Did you even think about how your latest podcast appearance would affect their White Boy Summer?

And don't come back at us with some, "White Boy Summer isn't just about getting fucked up. It's about living life to the fullest andalkndfecjedrujmedjasdfasdfdfefawewlkkfnaw" … I don't want to hear that bullshit. You know exactly what White Boy Summer is. You know exactly who's celebrating it. Just because you're sober now, and living a much, much healthier and happier lifestyle doesn't mean you get to change the definition entirely. 

I'm happy for you Chet. I really am. But you're sending mixed signals here. Is it a White Boy Summer? Or are we getting sober and turning around our lives? You can't have it both ways.

(Honestly I have no idea when Chet was or wasn't addicted to cocaine, or whether or not he was sober for the original White Boy Summer or not. I just feel like "White Boy Summer" and "sobriety" are two very conflicting ideas and wanted to make a joke. Keep up the good work Chet)