Revenge Of The Nail

MichalLudwiczak. Getty Images.

I wrote a blog last week about some animal who was cutting her nails on a commercial flight. I won't go into the details because you can just read it here…

But I will say that I closed that blog by saying, "It makes me crosseyed-crazy to even think about it, so I will try to forget this incident once this blog is published. "

Winds up, I was dead wrong… I can't forget.

I was on yet another flight this weekend, and since it is so hot in the Northeast, I made the fatal mistake of going to the airport in a pair of low-top sneakers with no socks. Meaning, that when I went through security, I had to do it barefoot.

I'm aware it's disgusting to be raw-dogging your feet on a surface that has been trampled on by HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of other feet in the past day or so, but there was nothing I could do, so I popped my sneakers into the bin and walked towards the metal detector like a fucking hobbit.

Right before I stepped onto the scanner, I felt that something was stuck to the bottom of my left foot. I dragged it across the small carpeted mat to see if I could rub it off, but whatever was on my sole was stuck there. This left me no choice but to reach down and peel it off by hand. When I did, this is what I discovered…

It's someone's fingernail… What the fuck is it with me and other peoples' nails at the airport? I haven't seen someone so tortured by offensive nails since the crucifixion of my Lord and Savior.

Here's a view from the side that ripped off this animal's nailbed…

At first, I thought I was being Punk'd, and looked around for Ashton Kutcher to jump out…

But then I quickly remembered it was no longer 2005, and Ashton has been too busy recently apologizing for the whole supporting-a-rapist-thing that he no longer has time to hide Frankie Muniz's new Porsche, so I put the nail in my pocket and walked through the scan.

"But if it was so gross, why'd you put the nail in your pocket, Large?"

Excellent question.

It was because I wanted to take a picture of the offensive shard once I retrieved my phone from the metal detectors. After I snapped the pic, I immediately threw the nail on the ground precisely where I was confident yet another unsuspecting barefoot traveler would pick it up on their naked sole… "Pay it forward", I always say.

Take a report.

-Large