Gisele is Reportedly Splitsville With Her Jiu-Jitsu Instructor. And the Cause of the Break Up Was the Tom Brady Roast

I'm not sure, but I believe it was Mark Twain who said, "Humor is the good natured side of a truth." I am positive, however, that it was Tony Hinchcliffe who said, "Clearly your ex-wife takes after you. I hear she's out there draining balls right now.":

And Nikki Glaser who said, “How much would it suck for Tom, just knowing your ex-wife’s new boyfriend could beat your ass while eating hers?"

The point I'm building toward is that comedy can be cruel, but cruel in a way that delivers harsh truths. Even to the most powerful figures in the world. That's why kings of old had Court Jesters, who could get away with saying the things others feared to. As long as they could amuse the uneasy head that was wearing the crown. And that still goes for the kings of today. Including my close, personal, dear dear friend, Tom Brady.

Sadly, often tragically, not everyone sees it that way:

And now it is with a heavy heart that I report that five weeks after the Brady Roast aired, it has claimed it's first real victim. It reportedly ended the relationship that was the butt of so, so many of the best jokes of the night:

Source - Gisele Bündchen and Joaquim Valente reportedly called things off due to added scrutiny on their romance after Tom Brady’s highly talked about Netflix roast. 

An insider told InTouch Weekly Thursday that the “spotlight was too much” for Valente. …

“Joaquim’s a regular guy,” the source said. “He’s not used to all the attention he was getting.” …

The insider said things took a turn for the worse following Brady’s Netflix special, which included several jabs at the pair’s romance.

“Joaquim became part of the joke. People actually started asking him if he was the reason for their divorce,” the source added. “He hated that.”

The Brazilian beauty reportedly “blames the break on Tom,” whom she divorced in 2022. 

“By agreeing to do the roast, he basically put a target on Joaquim’s back,” they said. 

Joaquim's just a regular guy who's not used to the attention? He didn't like being part of the joke? Or being asked if he's the cause of the breakup? Oh no!

Gee, I don't know. But it seems to me that if it's your goal to keep being an anonymous private citizen, living the quiet, normal life of teaching self-defense moves to housewives in Brazil, the last thing you should get involved in is coming between the world's most celebrated power couple. If getting assassinated on Netflix by the world's most savage comics isn't your thing,  maybe try not tomcatting around behind the back of our most accomplished athlete as he's working to achieve things no one else ever has or ever will. If you can't stand being called a homewrecker, try to avoid wrecking homes? That might sound crazy; but crazy enough to work. 

But you know what my favorite part of this whole story is? That last line about how Brady essentially put a target on Karate Guy's back by agreeing to the roast. 

This was the GOAT's most well-executed plan since the time in September of 2020 he went over to Bruce Arians with a pair of wire cutters, snipped the cable on his headset, and told him to just stand there and look interested while the Bucs ran the Tom Brady offense from there on. This scheme to agree to a roast in order to break up his ex-wife's maworked better than his Unanimous MVP season. By simply sitting there and smiling while speaker after speaker grabbed the mic and took a flamethrower to these two-timers, he put on a better performance than he did in any of his many Super Bowl MVP games. When it comes to humiliating the cheating cheaters who cheated on you, this one gets a 158.3 passer rating, because it was flawless. 

Now looking back in hindsight, it's even better that Brady got up and told Jeff Ross that Mr. Kraft jokes were off limits. Because it just emphasizes the fact that he didn't interfere while they put a certain unfaithful spouse in their comedy crosshairs. As he sat there and didn't react, he came across as a good sport who can take a joke. Now we realize there was a masterplan unfolding before our very eyes. And like all the other plans in Brady's career, it worked to perfection. 

Finally, here's your reminder that the only other love in his life while he was married was his first love. Football:

Serves you right, Karate Man. And for the both of them, Welcome to Dumped City. Population: YOU.