It's Unfair That a Man Can't Travel The Canadian Countryside With His Goat Best Friend Without People Wondering if He's Fucking It

CBC - Aubertin, who runs a hobby farm in St. Stephen, says he never intended to develop an unbreakable bond with a baby goat. But when Jimmy was born with an underbite, he struggled to latch onto his mother to feed. 

"The mother had two other kids besides him, so she more or less maintained those two and just shunned him, like, right away. So I've been bottle feeding him since he was born," Aubertin said.

"After the first week or so, we formed a bond. I literally cannot go anywhere without him or he just starts blaa-ing. He wants to know where I am. He needs to be with me."

Who doesn't enjoy a good animal rescue story? They're so much better than human rescue stories. I can't explain why. It should absolutely be the opposite. There's just something about the journey of an injured sea otter as he's nursed back to health by a short haired woman dressed exclusively in khaki who re-releases him into the wild to be reunited with his otter family that tugs at the heart strings significantly more so than watching a human child be lifted out of poverty and fed something other than a clump of dirt for the first time in his life. If Dave had adopted a child instead of a dog, it would have 1/10th the following of Miss Peaches, who's adoption has singlehandedly brought in more money for Barstool than the entire New York office has in all of 2024. 

Sorry that was a low blow at myself but I'm certain that it's true. Anyways, the story of Jimmy The Goat is heart warming in it's own right. Jimmy was born in the Canadian province of New Brunswick to a real cunt of a mom who disowned him at birth because his underbite made it difficult for him to latch onto her goat udders to feed. Not only did this bitch nanny refuse to feed Jimmy. She was so disgusted by his deformity that when Jimmy tries to play with his siblings, she'll physically intervene and prevent him from doing so.

Aubertin says he's never been able to successfully reunite Jimmy with his birth family. He puts him in the pen with the other goats now and then, and watches him bounce around, playing with his two siblings.

"But then the mother gets wind of it … and then she basically just horns him into a corner," he said. "That's brutal."

Goat life can be cruel. But thankfully for Jimbo, a long-haired hippy named Hector took him under his wing.  Jimmy and Hector have become inseparable. He bottle feeds Jimmy every day (with milk that I assume comes from his mom who's too dumb to even realize that she's still technically feeding him). Hector turned the backseat of truck into a goat pen. They took a road trip vacation to exotic Edmonton, Alberta. The two of them go tire shopping together. They sleep in a bed together at goat-friendly hotels. The story is nothing but wholesome.

In fact, Aubertin says Jimmy was extremely well-behaved during his journey — which is perhaps no surprise, given how much practice he's had being out and about with people.

"We go everywhere. We go to the stores. We go to Canadian Tire. I can get him to come to me, you know. I can get him to lay down if I need to. He listens very well," he said. "He's like a dog, but twice as fun and just a little bit harder to train."

People, by and large, were very accommodating to Jimmy, Aubertin says.

He was able to find plenty of pet-friendly motels who were happy to accept a horned guest. And he was constantly surprised by how many businesses would let him roam the aisles with Jimmy.

So it's completely unfair that when you see a bond as beautiful and appropriate as the one shared by Hector and Jimmy, that people's minds can't help but wonder, "Is he fucking that goat?"

You can't tell me that thought didn't cross your mind at least a little bit. Even if it was just as a joke, that's still unfair to Hector. It's bullshit really. It's garbage, it's rubbish, and it's not true. But the troubling thing is, if you're an extremely online person like myself… someone who lives on 'weird news' websites and checks the NY Post every morning, you're way too frequently coming across headlines of this nature.

Yes, I know I Googled, "man who fucked a goat" to achieve these results. But that's still a lot of stories. And you every goat fucker who gets caught, there's probably 100 more who don't. Tell me, was there not at least one rumor going around your high school about the weird farm kid who fucked one of his animals? You know there was. It was either a sheep or a goat. It's a shame that kid from your high school along with a few other bad apples have ruined platonic man-goat relationships for rest of us.

Need more proof? Fine. How about that one time in Iraq where goat fucking became so out of control, and lonely farmers began sexualizing their goats so much that farmers were forced to equip their goats with chastity belt-esque diapers, because "naked goats posed an unacceptable temptation". If farmers failed to diaper their goats… then naturally… they were murdered. 

NPR - Shepherds in the rural western Baghdad neighborhood of Gazalea have recently been murdered, according to locals, for failing to diaper their goats. Apparently the sexual tension is so high in regions where Sheikhs take a draconian view of Shariah law, that they feel the sight of naked goats poses an unacceptable temptation. They blame the goats. 

You don't get a chance to say this often, but good on Iraq for at least trying something to put a stop to the madness.

Additionally, consider the Greek God of Pan. The God of The Wild. A god with the horns of a goat, the torso of a man, and the lower body of a goat. Pan is the son of Hermes, who is the god of "trade, wealth, luck, fertility, animal husbandry, sleep, language, thieves, and travel" (save some for the fishes dude Jesus Christ). Pan is believed to be the daughter of some broad named Penelope. Apparently that's disputed? Idk how its disputed considering it's all just made up nonsense in the first place. But whatever. That's what I'm going with for the sake of this blog. Pan's parents are Hermes and Penelope

Nothing weird there. One human parent, one god parent who looks like a human, right?. No goat fucking to speak of?

Hahahaha you're so stupid. This is Greek mythology were talking about. Of course there was goat fucking.

Britannica Kids - In most tales the god Hermes is Pan's father. His mother is sometimes said to be Penelope, the wife of the hero Odysseus. In certain stories Hermes came to Penelope in the shape of a goat, thus explaining Pan's goat parts. 

The Greeks are weird man. And we've got the well-respected Encyclopedia Britannica out here teaching this to our children? People threw a god damn fit when some random dude made a picture book about a penguin raised by two dads.

But apparently the story of Penelope having sex with a goat is an important part of history that our children simply must know about.

And don't even get me started on the famous sculpture of Pan that was discovered in 1752. I'm not even going to include the picture in this blog. It's too much. Just an extremely detailed sculpture of Pan with a regular old goat in missionary position. Dick inserted and all….

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Ok fine here it is but I'm censoring the dick.

Ridiculous. And now every time a sweet old man like Hector wants to rescue a goat from its evil whore mom and make the goat his best friend and travel the country with him and sleep in the same bed, there's going to be a tiny little part of the back of everyone's minds that can't help but wonder if there's more than meets the eye to their relationship. That's just not fair. It's not fair to Hector, and it's not fair to Jimmy The Goat. Just let them live platonically in piece. They don't deserve to be included in the same blog as these freaks.