Opening Day of 'Preposterously Huge Great White Shark' Season is Upon Us. And We've Got the Video Proof.

Norbert Probst. Shutterstock Images.

The start of June means different things to different people. But where I live, in modest Stately Thornton Manor, located in the humble vacation destination along the sun-kissed coastline between Boston's South Shore and Cape Cod, it means we're officially into Beach Time. And for those of us who grew up in New England obsessed with the greatest movie ever made, that means one thing above all else. 

I means this weekend Massholes will once again be lining up to be a hot lunch. Ringing the dinner bell for a perfect eating machine. A miracle of evolution. One that all it does is swim. And eat. And make baby sharks. That's it. Mostly in three feet of water, about 10 feet from shore. A large squalus. Possibly Unjumanus, or Asurus Glaucous. But definitely Carcaradon carcharias. 

A Great White. 

And so leave it to some Aussies doing some deep sea fishing (hopefully very deep and well out to sea) to remind us once again that while humans are on top of the water, we are very much at the bottom of the food chain:

I get it that Port Stephens is very much on the other side of the globe from most of us reading this. But it's not like the oceans have Border Patrol or Customs. They can go wherever they please whenever it pleases them. (Even if you believe in territoriality. Which is just a theory; one that I believe in.) There's literally nothing stopping this one, or the millions like it, from making its way to where I am. 

And get a load of this thing. It must be a 20-footer. 25 … and three tons of him. You can tell by measuring from the dorsal to the tail. And you don't even need this guys in the foreground for scale. Scale, my ass! 

What I don't get is why they'd be dicking around out there all this time where this thing is feeding. It's not like going down the pond chasing Bluegills and Tommy Cods. This shark? Big fish. Swallow you whole. A little shaking. A little tenderizing. And down you go. But still these guys are keeping their lines in the water and still hauling in catches when they should heading in to shore. 

And don't play that "bigger boat" nonsense with me.

This weekend is supposed to be a couple of beautiful days. The beaches are open. And people will be having a wonderful time. And I'll be the one in a chair with beers and cigar. You know all about me. This is one Chief who won't go in the water.