Rate The Companies My Attempted Hacker Signed My Personal Email Up For

Now, I know I'm a popular girl and I do a lot of online shopping/browsing in the wee hours of the night when I can't sleep, but waking up to 55 emails is certainly out of the norm for me. Last night, I was up until about 2am and all was fine when I fell asleep to the sounds of "It Ends With Us" on Audible by Colleen Hoover (have to reread before the movie comes out.) If only I had stayed up one more hour, I would've been able to catch whoever decided to bastardize my personal email and Paypal account in real time. 

Being "someone online" always comes with its risks, and as I am a very paranoid person, I have all of the security settings punched up to their highest, everywhere. Which is why I'm not sure how someone got into my Paypal. So deep in, that they added a new primary email address (a hotmail.com) and a new phone number. NOT GREAT BOB! Thankfully it's all sorted out and as far as I can tell, no real damage has been done. Of course unless you count the panic attack I've been having for the last 2 hours, that has certainly ruined my morning and will undoubtedly ruin the rest of my day/week, so, job well done I guess? 

This "hacker" (real or robot, no one can really tell) took it upon themselves to sign up for a few new accounts and I started to research them to get a feel of who this person really is. Let's break some of them down:

PSI

Exams?? Tests? Is this a poor scientist who needed to use my account to be able to finish Scientist school? Maybe I've misunderstood this genius miscreant? 

Okta

Interesting. Could this person be starting a business? Why else would they be signing up for software? Maybe they need to take some tests to get a license, and now the next step is getting the biz off the ground?

Cafe Madeline (13 attempts)

Here is where I start to feel stumped. Whoever this is signed up so many times on Cafe Madeline that it froze my account. It looks like they kept signing up, trying to buy something, and failed 13 times. Could the business they are trying to start, be a Cafe Madeline rip off? Maybe they just wanted to get their hands on the goods to know what the competition is like? 

Porsche

No google explanation needed here. Our Hacker is thinking about the future now. The fake Cafe Madeline business is going to SKYROCKET, with or without the product, and they've got their eyes on the prize. Every business owner needs to whip around in a Porsche, so I get it. 

CHOC

Ohhhh boy. A Children's hospital? in Orange County? It's all starting to make sense. A new coffee shop, and a little "charity" on the side for occasional proceeds to go to. It is a tax write off, after all!

Futaba

It looks like we've reached the "introspection" portion of the hack. Sure, they've got their coffee shop business and a brand new Porsche, but what about down time? Is this the life they really want to lead? Could there be more to it? A hobby, a new skill, anything that takes away the sting of loneliness? 

Nadeje (4 attempts)

Ah, okay, no. We've got our eyes back on the prize. It looks like we're expanding into Malaysian, French-inspired desserts. That'll play well in Orange County I bet!

Unity Books Wellington

Hmmm. Now we're reaching out to local bookstores in New Zealand. Expanding the business again? Or have we found our Hacker's favorite place? I can say a lot of things about this jerkoff, but I certainly can't accuse them of limiting their mind. Books, exams, businesses…they had a plan, and I have no choice but to respect the determination. 

OTB Disks (14 attempts)

And there we have it. Looks like our Hacker is ready to retire early, and hit the links. They wanted this SO BADLY, they tried 14 times. Being a business owner/international entrepreneur certainly takes a lot out of you, so I understand the mad dash to the finish line - golf. Sadly, I'm very loyal to the Barstool Sports Store and Foreplay, so my golf needs are taken care of. 

I feel I need to add this disclaimer - I don't actually think one person did this. It's more likely it was some click farm somewhere choosing sites at random, but after I've painted this picture…do we really think that anymore? Could this be a fugly troll in my DMs who diligently follows along with the lesser Barstool personalities who have personal vendettas against me, or could it be someone who simply wanted to make a difference in this world? Coffee shops, exotic desserts, charities for children's hospitals - is what they tried to do, so bad? 

(Yes. Yes it was. Fuck you, die.)