Dumping Them Out: Memorial Day Special
Welcome back to a Memorial Day episode of Dumping Them Out. Before I start randomly listing things I associate with America until I've hit roughly 800 words, I have a question. I'm getting close to the end of my lease, so our landlord is starting to show our apartment. He texted me this afternoon and said he wants to have an open house tomorrow at 5pm. Is that normal or do I have a right to be annoyed by that? Feels like we could have gotten a little more notice that he have to be out of our apartment for 2 hours the next evening. Now I gotta clean and shit on my day off.
Anyways, here are some American things to fill space between GIFs
Captain America - I've never seen any of the Captain America movies in their entirety. The only time I watched part of one was back in college. I tried to take just a small amount of acid but then realized I had taken too much when Captain America was walking through a tunnel and I thought the smoke coming up from the ground beneath him was the greatest special effect in the history of movies.
Bald Eagle - I've always thought the idea of someone getting cancelled by coming out as staunchly anti-bald eagle was a funny idea. People get really really mad when you disrespect the eagle. A good Borat sketch would have been if they invited some good ol' boys over to Borat's house and he had a stuffed bald eagle mounted on his wall. Borat would tell them a story about how he killed the bald eagle himself. He'd tell it in a way that implied Borat thought it was actually a patriotic thing to do. Then the guys get mad, threaten to beat his ass, etc. Sacha Baron Cohen honestly may have done that already.
Cheeseburger - Quick Speed Ranking of Fast Food Cheeseburgers in order: In-N-Out, Five Guys, Steak-n-Shake, Culver's, Whataburger, Wendy's, Rally's/Checkers, McDonalds, Burger King (Burgers I can't remember well enough to accurately rank them: Dairy Queen, Hardee's/Carl's Jr., Sonic, Jack-in-the-Box)
Baseball - I umpired youth baseball for 10 years. Memorial Day weekend is so much more pleasant when I'm not umping 14 games over the course of 4 days for a little league baseball tournament, and getting yelled at by drunk dad's living vicariously through they're below average children.
Tipping - Tipping is one of the worst things about America. People get really mad about those cash register iPads that prompt you to tip in situations where tipping should not be required. But came across something even worse the other day. I tipped $5 when I placed my Door Dash order the other day. After my food was delivered, Door Dash asked if i would like to tip again. They went back for round 2. That's egregious.
Hot Dogs - There's a gigantic 65-foot hot dog in Times Square that shoots confetti every day at 12pm. We went at lunch during work one day to watch it. Tommy made a video. The Stoolies HATED it.
Carnies - Do they even have carnies in other country? It seems like a primarily American thing. I love a decrepit looking man with a long dirty beard smoking a cigarette through 3 teeth who parents trust to operate a 20-year old ride held together my duct tape that whips their children through the air at high speeds. He barely even knows how the ride works. All he's knows to do is buckle the kids in and press the big red start button. If something goes wrong he won't have the slightest idea how to fix it. It's not like people don't get hurt on these rides all the time either. I found something online that says the Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that over 4,400 children are injured on carnival rides every year. I know I've seen multiple news stories of kids dying on them as well. But we continue to trust them. Hell yeah.
The Imperial System - Refusing to use the metric system is probably the most stubbornly American thing we do. We're the only country in the world that does it. Everything about the metric system is easier and makes more sense. But what the rest of the world fails to realize is that the metric system is fucking stupid. My dumbass vet, who I am constantly at war with because I think they lie to be about my dog's health to get money out of me, uses the metric system when they weigh him. Which means I have no clue how much my dog weighs. They put him on the scale and say "he weighs __ kilos". Who wants to hear their dogs weight in kilos? Nobody does. Just tell me how many LBS he ways like a good red-blooded American.
Cowboy Hats - I'm a big fan of people who wear cowboy hats when doing non-cowboy activities. Like an accountant who works and lives in downtown Dallas and wears a full cowboy attire on a regular work day. It's like every day in Halloween. Even cops do it in certain areas of the country.