Jessica Alba is Playing a Lethal Special Forces Commando in a New Action Movie? Sign Me Up.

As the sort of designated unofficial Barstool historian because I've kicking around here for over 20 years, it's hard to overstate just how big the "Two Jessicas" were to our early growth and development in the mid-2000s. Jessica Biel was the subject of a lot of blogs because she once made eye contact with Dave Portnoy at some public event long before she put a ring on the other most eligible bachelor of the day, Justin Timberlake. And Jessica Alba was guaranteed clicks as her star rocketed across the sky in the Dark Angel, Sin City, Fantastic Four era of her career. Between the two of them, they were guaranteed 14-carat content gold. And if the five of us who were writing blogs at the time went a week without posting about them, it was because we were all asleep at the wheel. 

And if you told me back then that in 2024 Barstool would be a high profile, internationally-recognized multimedia and lifestyle brand, I might have been willing to believe you. But if you told me the Jessicas would still be at the top of the Sex Symbol pyramid, I'd have had a much harder time buying it. Celebrities who burn as hot as they do tend to flame out in short order. (Take note, Sydney Sweeney. And save your money.) So I found it more than gratifying when the Jessica Alba torch was passed to a whole new generation of Stool bloggers, Dante in this case:

Kind of in that same way you appreciate it when your kids show interest in the ballplayer you admired or a movie you loved. It's rewarding to find out the things that were special to you a long time ago are, in fact, eternal. 

I mention all of this because not only is Alba continuing to provide blog fodder all these years, at the tender age of 43 years, she's back in a leading role for the first time in seemingly forever. As the kickass star of an action thriller no less:

Trigger Warning's IMDb page - A skilled Special Forces commando (Jessica Alba) takes ownership of her father's bar after he suddenly dies, and soon finds herself at odds with a violent gang running rampant in her hometown.

Let's review, shall we? A smoking hot MILF who kicks miles of ass. A highly skilled, expertly trained human weapon of mass destruction goes on a morally unambiguous revenge quest. Clearly drawn lines between good and evil. A cathartic bloodbath of well-deserved violence in order to protect the innocent. Oh, and just as a chaser, Anthony Michael Hall as the obviously corrupt, greedy politician who's behind it all? 

Get out of my brain, Netflix. I'm already convinced every device in the house is listening to my conversations. But with Trigger Warning, it's pretty clear my streaming services have hacked into my subconscious and produced the near perfect film to produce enough dopamine to keep me glued to the screen permanently. And I only used "near" perfect because it doesn't include space wizards, Hobbits, and underdog boxers being given their shot at the title. That is, as far as we know; I'm not ruling it out.

Sure, you might have issues believing a 43-year-old exquisitely beautiful actress would be running around snapping henchmen necks like a 1990s Schwarzenegger. And I get your hesitancy. But audiences literally laughed at the first trailers showing Bruce Willis when Die Hard was coming out. And there were those who were skeptical that Keanu Reeves could pull off John Wick. Now they're the gold standards of the genre. And let's not overlook Bob Odenkirk in the fantastic Nobody. Action heroes come from unusual places sometimes.

So Jessica Alba has my full faith and confidence she can join the ranks of the great female action protagonists, from Sigourney Weaver's Ripley to Linda Hamilton's Sarah Conner to Uma Thurman's The Bride and beyond. Trigger Warning's June 21st release date can't come soon enough.