A Minor League Team Faces New Noise Restrictions Limiting the Ballpark to Basically the Volume of a Quiet Conversation

Russell Hons. Shutterstock Images.

And so a new season of Milwaukee Milkmen baseball begins. A team that derives its name presumably to honor Wisconsin's vital dairy farm industry and not the subject of 90% of all 100 year old jokes dealing with questionable parentage will once again be bringing local residents that truly unique and all-American tradition, Minor League Baseball. 

Though if we're being honest (and our relationship is built on trust), can we really talk about baseball in these "America's Pastime" terms anymore? By now hasn't that sentiment been replaced by a million other things the way cow milk has by oat milk? Sure, we still like baseball. And Minor League ball remains a fun and relatively inexpensive way to kill a summer night. But all that purple prose we used to get from Ken Burns and Doris Kearns Goodwin about how the sport defines who we are is as relevant today as a guy in a white uniform driving a refrigerated box truck to leave glass bottles of dairy product on your front porch. 

If there's any activity that defines our culture at it currently stands, I'd say it's bitching about things. Specifically, bitching about people other than us having a good time. Jacques Barzan once famously wrote, "Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball." That was then. This is now. At time when whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better join the Fun Police. Which is precisely what everyone who lives near the Milkmen's ballpark have done:

Source - Franklin's common council denied the use of postgame fireworks and approved a sound level cap for Milwaukee Milkmen games in an effort to quell residents' concerns about excessive noise in the surrounding neighborhoods.

The council voted to approve a 55-decibel maximum sound limit at the May 7 council meeting, which lasted over seven hours and covered many topics related to The Rock and Ballpark Commons. …

In a quick vote, Franklin’s council also chose not to allow fireworks to be used after Milkmen games in 2024. …

City documents for the meeting indicated another option of up to 79 decibels was on the table. However, Ald. Mike Barber made the motion, saying 55 decibels, which is part of Franklin's ordinance, is “where I think we need to set a baseline.” …

The level is five decibels higher than the 50-decibel daytime maximum recommended in a sound study conducted at The Rock. That study also suggested 45 decibels at night.

If you're not the least bit familiar with measuring things by decibel levels, I can relate. I've always relied on a more practical, relatable scale for gauging volume. In ascending order:

5. Jet engine

4. Motorcycle on my street

3. My neighbor's landscaper at 7am on a Saturday

2. My car still tuned to the Hip Hop station after my older son borrowed it

1. My mom's TV during Oprah

Fortunately there are people who pay preposterous amounts tuition money to study such things and dumb it down for us. Including the people at Yale who put together a handy chart that lays it all out for us:

And there you have it. The powers that be from Franklin's common council aren't asking for much. They're just compelling Milkmen fans to keep it down below the level of a GE 27-cubic foot French door stainless steel refrigerator with the pull out freezer on the bottom. Neither they nor the academics at Yale specified whether that includes the ice maker unit, which of course makes it even louder. But regardless, those things are deafening. You can barely hear yourself think from the living room with the racket those things make. No matter how high you turn up the Bucks game. But that's the price we have to pay to keep all those wholesome, nutritious Wisconsin dairy products fresh. 

So it's as simple as that. You can still take your family out to The Rock and Ballpark Commons. Just with 98% less rock than they're used to. All they're asking requiring by law is that you keep the din down to 5-10 decibels less than your typical real estate office. And 10-15 below polite conversation. If someone comes in out of the bullpen to end the inning on a strikeout with the bases loaded, just smile quietly. If the Milkmen win it on a walk off piss rocket, give them the polite applause you might if say, someone just tapped in for a double bogey. Basically they're just compelling you to act at all times like they just got the baby down for a nap. And how hard can that be?

The important thing is to not have too much fun. Which I suppose is the point of all of this. The first settlers to America were Puritans. And the best definition anyone's every come up with for Puritanism was HL Mencken who called it, "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy." As long as Milkmen fans can't talk above a whisper and fireworks are outlawed, no one will have to worry about anybody being happy.