We Should Dig Up Secretariat’s Dead Body and Drug Test It

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Yesterday Max Dolente’s living breathing vision-board Jason Kelce took to Twitter to offer a opinion about Secretariat- the greatest athelete of all time. And people are mad. 

Jason made the point that Secretariats heart was allegedly 3 times bigger than normal (vaxxed?) and steroids were a pretty common thing in horse racing in the 1970s when men were still allowed to have fun. 

But Horse-X (if you say that out loud it sounds like something that your not allowed to make fun of Robert Kraft for) is not a beehive that you want to throw a rock at and they are big mad at Big Jason for lobbing that accusation out there. But I am here to protect Jason’s right to free speech and tell you that he is correct. Science as well as Genetics lays this case out pretty easily. 

Secretariat ran the fastest time at the Kentucky Derby in the history of that track, and he also set the American record at the Belmont. His time at the Belmont is still 2 seconds faster than any other horse ever. All Those 1973 records still stand to this day unlike every other speed record by any other animal in the history of God. In 1973 the 100 m dash record was 9.9 seconds, now its 9.58. The record human mile time was 3:51 in 1973, now it is 3:43. Every measure of speed and strength has been improved upon in the last 50 years except for horses? 

Its also interesting to note that Secretariat did lose a few races but there was always a excuse he would come up with afterwards in typical Lebron fashion. One year he lost because he had a abcess in his mouth aka HERPES so he couldnt bite down properly. And another time he had uncontrollable diarreah. Say what you want about Jordan but at least he won his flu game. By the way- two common side effects for steroids? You guessed it- abscesses and diarreah. Isnt that interesting. 

Doping accusations aside- Secretariat was a fraud and possibly a CIA op. In 1973 we were in the height of the most unpopular war ever and watergate. Our government was balls deep in COINTELLPRO trying to disrupt the protest movement. Secretariat was the biggest story in years and distracted Americans from the fact that somehow the USA was losing the Vietnamese civil war. 

The government was so desirable that we have a national hero staying in the news that some of Secretariats race times were changed 40 YEARS after he ran by order of secret meetings. In 2012 a committee met for 2 hours in Maryland (also home of the NSA) to do a forensic review of Secretariats time in the Preakness, and they officially reduced his time by a second and a half. And they think we’re dumb enough to buy into it because , and I’m not making this up, Secretariat the horse was represented by William Morris Group, an agency with deep ties across all of sports media. 

Off the track Secretariat was no angel, fathering 663 horses out of wedlock including at least one daughter that he never even acknowledged (OVO) and had to be rescued by a foster family that adopts abandoned horses to avoid them getting slaughtered for a couple pounds of protein  as detailed in this real news story. 

Also considering he had almost 700 kids you would think that at least a handful would be good at running fast if he was such a genetic freak. Turns out he had one offspring that finished second in the derby and another one who won Belmont and Preakness. Basically he was Logan Roy and his kids fucked everything up.  Its even crazier considering he had so many babies that they were all racing each other and still couldnt get a win. Maybe if he had spent more time being a dad instead of taking victory laps our nation would be in a better place. 

All this points to the fact that Jason Kelce is right. Secretariat probably took steroids. But the only way we can know for sure is if we dig up his corpse and test it. We owe it to our children to find out the truth. If hes innocent then you should have no problem with proving these allegations to be false. But if hes guilty I can think of a couple statues that need to be torn down. 

And dont get me started on how many of Secretariat's girl horses that he impregnated had to be put down ahead of their time. Guy has more in common with Oscar Pistorius than Barbaro- a true hero who literaly left it all out on the field. Pretty ironic that such a diva ended up as literaly a glue guy.

We discuss this more on today's PMT, listen and subscribe.