In the Least Shocking Reaction of All Time, Gisele Didn't Enjoy the Tom Brady Roast

Let me just say right out of the gate here that if you're starting to feel like the coverage of the Tom Brady roast is becoming overkill, you'll get no argument from me. This is my fourth consecutive blog about it. And there's a big, beautiful world out there beyond this one topic, just waiting to be mocked and ridiculed. 

But to be fair, a big cultural event like this produces a huge wake. Pulls the rest of us along with it for a while and rocks all our boats off their moorings. Until those waves dissipate, I can't turn my attention back to the horizon. You go where the stories take you. 

So for instance, when the ex-fiancee of the murderer and suicider who was the butt of about 25% of the best jokes of the night expresses her objection, that's a blog:

Subsequently, when the woman who was the subject of maybe eight of the Top 10 jokes also gets upset? Well, what choice do I have?:

Source - Gisele Bundchen is 'deeply disappointed' and feels 'disrespected' by Tom Brady's Netflix roast show - which featured several shock quips about her new romance with Joaquim Valente. …

One shock joke saw comedian Nikki Glaser referencing Valente's martial arts prowess, saying: 'How much would it suck for Tom… omg, just knowing your ex-wife's new boyfriend could beat your a** while eating hers.' 

A source told People that Bundchen was left fuming at the special, saying she 'was deeply disappointed by the disrespectful portrayal of her family on Sunday evening's roast show'.

'As always, [Bundchen's] priority is to support her children who were affected by the irresponsible content that was broadcasted,' the insider went on. …

Nikki's other jabs included: 'Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying "yes" to this roast was when you said, "Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu."'

Nikki added, 'You have seven rings… well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back.' …

This comes after Gisele confirmed she's dating again and divulged details about her new relationship for the first time in a candid interview with The New York Times, published on Saturday.

'This is the first time I am seeing someone that was a friend of mine first,' she admitted, without naming her new partner. 'It's very different. It is very honest, and it's very transparent.'

There's so much meat on this bone, where does one even begin to carve off servings? I'll start with some of the other most merciless jokes on the subject. Like Drew Bledsoe saying he only has one ring, but he's got something Brady will never have, which is a 28th wedding anniversary. Or talking about the protection Brady used to get with, "Obviously buddy, you got really used to not being touched. Just like the end of the marriage." Which Bledsoe says came from his wife. 

Then there was Tony Hinchcliffe's "Clearly your ex-wife takes after you. I hear she's out there draining balls right now." So let's not proceed without acknowledging these other absolute savages.

Next, let's drill down on the "disrespectful portrayal of her family" part of that response. You know what was notably absent from Sunday night's festivities? Any mention of Brady's family. There wasn't one. Whether it was by an agreement made ahead of time or the comics' simple understanding that there are, in fact, limits. That when you're taking a flamethrower to every aspect of a man's life, you leave kids out of it. They are not fair game. This is not 'Nam. It's comedy. There are rules.

So trying to use the kids as a meat shield to protect her from the Bledsoe's, Glasers and Hinchcliffes is disingenuous at best, and actually bringing them into a conversation no one involved them in at worst. 

Worse still, it's just drawing attention to the fact Gisele was married to the most desirable man in the world. And she threw it all away for her martial arts instructor. And let's not quibble about when exactly she started giving this Joaquim Valente guy [Googles names of jiu-jitsu terms] the old Double Leg, High Crotch, North South Choke moves. Because Tom Brady for one is not buying it:

Page Six - "[S]ources” sought to downplay the romance, with insiders telling People a few days later, “They have been dating since June. …

Then Brady’s pals appeared to call “BS” on the dating timeline that appeared in People, with other “sources” running to TMZ to tell the outlet, “They should add ‘2021’ after June. Then the headline would be accurate.”

There are several different ways to not find yourself being brutally roasted on international streaming TV for cheating on your husband. One is to not marry a world famous husband who every woman and most men would happily give years off their life just to be with. Another, simpler way, is to keep your highly sexual, intimate contact with your instructor to the mats, and not the mattress. If you did that, Brady would've been at the Met Gala being cucked in some ridiculous outift instead of bonding with his teammates and comedians at the LA Forum.

And then, if you want to keep yours and his kids out of it, leave them out of it. If you want to keep your personal life private, quit running around giving interviews about your personal life. And gushing like a 16-year-old writing in her diary how "honest" and "transparent" it is. You can't expect to overshare about every aspect of your romantic life without serving it up to comics to use as joke fodder. The kids aren't fair game. But a wife two-timing her universally admired husband with some family friend most certainly is. 

Lastly, here's a lesson for Gisele and Hernandez' ex both. It's called The Streisand Effect. A term which was coined when Barbra Streisand sued to have her seaside California home taken off the internet because she was worried about her privacy. And by doing so, all she did was make millions of people who otherwise didn't give a Tinker's damn about Barbra Streisand's domicile start checking it out to see what she was trying to hide. It must suck to have your infidelity get made fun of. Or to hear the guy who fathered your child, murdered someone and then took the coward's way out in his jail cell be the butt of jokes. But complaining about it publicly doesn't make it go away. It only makes us more interested. 

Hopefully that's a lesson learned, because I'd like to move on with my life.