Netflix's Tom Brady Roast Was the Comedy Special America Needed

When it was first announced Tom Brady was getting roasted on Netflix, I went into it with a sense of dread. The first reason is semi-personal. Because I was there in the theater at the Waldorf-Astoria when the Super Bowl was in New York and someone thought it would be a good idea to do a roast of Boomer Esiason. Which meant the NFL - the most uptight, ultracautious, prudish megacorporation on the planet - was joining forces with The Friar's Club, which exists for one purpose, which is to make sure nothing is off limits and the most sacred cows are made into comedy hamburger. 

The two did not mix well.

I was one of a group of comics hired to write jokes for this thing. And the friend who hired me later called it the John Carter of roasts. The comics treated it like a roast. The football people treated it like a testimonial dinner at some booster club. As host Jeff Garlin put it, "Bill Cowher is to comedy what ... Bill Cowher is to comedy." And when, for instance, Gilbert Gottfried (RIP) launched into a joke that spent 12 minutes describing the things an old Jewish guy did to get an erection, the crowd of billionaires and corporate partners sat there with their jaws on the laps like the audience during the "Springtime for Hitler" number. While I and the other writers up in the balcony came close to needing CPR, we were laughing so hard. So it's only natural I'd assume this Brady roast would be just as much of a disaster. 

Second, doing a proper roast isn't for everyone. It's a unique art form all to itself. It's not even for every professional comic. Norm MacDonald (RIP) hated them. So when he was hired to do Bob Saget's, he famously took a dive. Rather than spend 10 minutes shitting on his friend, he lifted lines straight from a 1930s book of jokes his dad once gave him, producing one of the most surreal, awkward routines any comic has ever done. So the odds they were going to pull this one off felt astronomical. 

It turns out there was nothing to worry about. This one spared no expense. It was the roast equivalent of surrounding Brady with the 2007 Patriots offense. Beginning with the best to ever do it, the Roastmaster Jeff Ross. Who did what had to be done and established right from the jump that everything was on the table and no one's feelings would be spared:

Followed by Nikki Glaser, who pushed things even further while taking a flamethrower to the room:

Tony Hinchcliffe walked on stage and came at everyone with the firing capacity and precision of a rail gun:

And therein lies the problem with this format. How does anyone follow pros like this when they're at the height of their game? Especially when the task falls to someone who's spent their whole life preparing for, coaching, and playing football games? It's the reverse of what would happen if you took everyone out to the local park set up a game of touch football. You're in their dojo and can't possibly be asked to compete with this:

And yet, somehow they did. With varying degrees of success. Drew Bledsoe was solid. Gronk did about as you'd expect, which was to do what most Open Mic-ers do, go with a steady stream of dick jokes, 92% of which ended with him making motions like he's got one in his mouth. To the surprise of no one who's seen him do the talk show circuit and present at awards shows. Julian Edelman was the most cut out for this:

But am I on an island here if I say the best non-comic of the night was Bill Belichick? I mean, I admit my own biases here. But holy moly, he positively crushed. This was the Belichick as the people around him get to see him. When he's not trying to stay on message in order to keep the focus on beating Miami on Sunday. Relaxed. Funny. Butally savage. And saying what Pats fans have needed to hear:

And needed someone to say for a long fucking time:

Belichick got to take the ball-busting skills he's carefully honed over a long career and spin them into comedy gold. He was like Don Rickles in his prime. And this forum gave him the chance to settle some scores. It was a thing of beauty. 

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, Brady himself came up and got into character. Specifically, this exaggerated character of the arrogant son of a bitch who's sick of acting like he's humble and wants to remind everyone how great he is. It was the perfect pivot. Like a wrestler turning heel. Sort of a version of that guy Stephen Colbert used to play before he sold his soul to a broadcast network. And no - and I cannot stress this enough - no takedown of the night was as merciless as this one from Brady:

“My favorite ring is that camera that caught coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house.” 

Fucking devastating. Devastatingly funny. 

And Mr. Kraft delivered, keeping it short, sweet, and very much on point:

In the span of three hours, 25 years of controversy, conflict, animosity, interpersonal conflicts, egos colliding, power struggles and hyper-focus on the relationships between these guys were gone. Washed away in a tsunami of laughs. Reminding us once again what a heater this franchise was on for all those years. Wildly talented individuals. Huge personalities. Supremely confident. Often arrogant. Butting heads, stepping on toes, and hurting feelings. But nevertheless joining forces to achieve great things. And there's no one among them - or us - who'd have it any other way. 

The best part to me is that you know at lot of this vicious insult comedy was authentic. That there's some real bad blood at play here. But it all goes away the second you're able to laugh about it. Show me guys who can break each other's balls, even over the most sensitive, embarrassing shit in their lives, and I'll show you people who genuinely like and respect each other. 

We need more of this in our lives. We need more of this in our country. We all need to get back to a time when we could rip each other mercilessly, laugh at ourselves and each other, and that's how we got along. I don't know if there's another group that can get together and do it the way the Dynasty Era Patriots just did. But whoever steps up to do it, America will be grateful. Thanks to Brady for giving us the GOAT of celebrity roasts. Cheers.