TODAY I LEARNED - E.T. had no legs.

Like most of what I write on the blog, this won’t resonate with nearly all of you young punks.  But for anyone reading who is also firmly on the back nine of life, perhaps this will be a revelation for you as well. 

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was a HUGE hit when it came out in 1982. On top of killing it at the box office, it launched a gigantic line of merchandise, a couple of terrible video games, a porno called E3 the Extra-Testicle (directed by Ron Jeremy), and got people to eat a failing candy brand we all know as Reese’s Pieces.

And that last part almost didn't happen… M&M’s was the first choice to be included in the movie, but Mars turned Spielberg down.  So Hershey’s stepped up and offered to have their piece-of-shit M&M’s knockoffs included instead, and with the film's blockbuster success sales of Reese’s Pieces increased 300%.

But I digress. 

My point is that E.T. was fucking huge… A cultural phenomenon for my generation. 

I don’t know what the comp for E.T. would be for kids in their 20s and 30s, and I don’t care… An 11-year-old Large saw it in the theaters 3 times and then countless more instances once it hit the shelves at Blockbuster Video.  As a result, I thought I knew everything about this weird alien that resembled a deformed Dominican penis... The type of penis Drew Barrymore would grow to love but scared the hell out of her as a youngster. 

But, as is so often the case, I was wrong… Winds up I don't know shit about E.T., or at least the movie magic that brought him into my life.

Here's why…

Momodu Mansaray. Getty Images.

I don't have a clue who the three "taller" people are in the background of this picture… Nor do I care.

The legless gentleman in the foreground… The Lieutenant Dan of the group, if you will… Is Matthew DeMeritt.  Matthew was born without legs, and when he turned 12, he got the gig to play the Extra-Terrestrial.  Outside of Matt, two little people, Tamara De Treaux and Pat Bilon, took turns wearing the costume, depending on what scene was being filmed.  DeMeritt walked on his hands and played all the scenes where E.T. walked awkwardly or fell over. 

That's it… That's the reveal.

Again… Not a huge deal for people who don't understand the gravitas this flick had concerning my childhood.  The fact that I spent over 40 years assuming the main character was played by the same dwarf, or the same robot, or the same child inside a rubber suit and then had that assumption tossed in the garbage during a gradual scroll through social media while taking a watery dump blew my fucking mind.

And I hope it does the same for you.

While I am here and have your attention, lemme drop something else on you.  Something that I hope will ruin your day as much as it ruined mine.

I have been on the road for the past couple of weeks for Rough 'n Rowdy, multiple NASCAR races, and covering a handful of fights for DAZN.  I am home this week, and looking forward to spending Sunday's early-afternoon sneaking a bagel into a movie theatre with the bride.  

Checking movie times today, I saw several first-run options that I am looking forward to seeing: Monkey Man, Godzilla X Kong, and Civil War to name a few.  And because there must be a lull in new releases before Summer Blockbuster Season starts in a month, or so, my multiplex is also showing some not-so-new releases including two that are celebrating anniversaries.  Anniversaries that made me feel very VERY old.

First off, I know I didn't first watch Brendan Frasier in The Mummy a decade ago, but you could've put a fucking apple in my mouth when I saw it was being re-released this weekend for its TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY!?!?!

Has it really been 25 fucking years since I first saw that movie in theatres?

The answer, apparently, is yes.  And perhaps it makes more sense when you consider Brendan Frasier hunted mummies with James Bond's wife whilst looking like this…

Whereas now he jerks off to gay porn looking like this…

(I know it's a fat suit.)

Similarly, the original Alien movie is in limited re-release, only this one is celebrating its FORTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY. 

Fuck!

I guess I saw the original when I was only 7 years old (which tells you how inattentive my parents were), but I still thought 45-year anniversaries were reserved for movies shot in black & white… Not ones that had 'realistic' special effects scenes like this…

(Another penis-shaped alien?… Why not!)

So that is how I want you to go into the weekend… Armed with the knowledge that the guy who played ET had no legs, and we (or at least me) are as old-as-fuck.

See you at the theatres.

Take a report.

-Large

A new Twisted History dropped this week. 

This one highlights some of the most ridiculous (and often dangerous) rules and regulations of all time…

TAR

-L