Disaster Averted: Leonardo DiCaprio is Not, and This Can't Be Stressed Enough, NOT Engaged

Kevork Djansezian. Getty Images.

It's not unfair to say that the mating habits of celebrities should be nobody's business but their own. People's personal lives can be messy, and that certainly goes for the rich and famous. They fall in and out of love all the time. As well as in and out of marriage more, statistically speaking, than us great unwashed masses. So no one should care if some pop culture figure is seeing somebody romantically. Either casually or seriously. 

But Leonardo DiCaprio is not just some pop culture figure. He's the apex. The top of the food chain. The one true Alpha all the Betas aspire to be. He is, after all, the owner of the most impressive body count of modern times. And the creator of the famous DiCaprio Dating Chart:

We want him on that wall. We need him on that wall. The day he comes off the market, it'll be like when identical particles of matter and antimatter collide. There would be a release of energy so massive it could destroy all we know. Were he to ever jump the broom, our entire reality could  just be blinked out of existence. 

And for a while there, our fate was walking on that very razor's edge. When Leo and his Flavor of the Month Vittoria Ceretti were seen in public and she was sporting a rock the size of the one Old Rose threw into the north Atlantic:

And yet, it would appear we've dodged that particular bullet. I'm pleased to report that our short national nightmare is over:

Source - Leonardo DiCaprio and his girlfriend, Vittoria Ceretti, are not engaged despite major speculation after she was rocking a ring on THAT finger … TMZ has learned.

Sources with direct knowledge tell us LDC has not popped the question to the Italian model -- even though many assumed that to be the case after she flaunted a sparkler on her ring finger while out to lunch with her man at a restaurant in Los Angeles on Tuesday.

While the bling might've looked fairly recent to some -- our sources say Vittoria has actually been wearing the ring since at least 2022, well before she started dating Leo. …

[S]ome believed Leo might've just popped the question with this gal … which would be a huge deal, considering he's been somewhat of an eternal bachelor his whole life, and this would mark the first time he'd ever been engaged. 

Alas, it ain't the case … and Leo's never-been-married/never-getting-married streak continues.

Whoosh. That was close…

Let's all take a deep breath, slow our heart rates, and regain our focus. We thought we'd lost our species finest swordsman for a minute there. But we can cancel the Red Alert. Take ourselves out of DEFCON 1. Sound the all clear. And go back to life as we know it. 

The thing that was most shocking during this scare was the fact Ceretti is 25. Meaning she's about to age out, according to both the chart and history. The idea of him putting a ring on it was inconceivable. No disrespect to her, mind you. 

It's just that he's only 49. He's still got plenty of years left in his prime. There's gas in his tank, tread on his tires, and lots of miles left in his engine. Not to mention there are still millions of 19 year olds still unseduced by him. (Remember: Barely legal is legal.) Not to mention 3 billion or so men counting on him to conquer all those sexual mountains. Calling it a career and settling down at this point like just some ordinary schmuck would be a tremendous waste. Not to mention letting down the team. 

So it's a tremendous relief to know DiCaprio will still be adding to his career totals. We lost Derek Jeter to marriage. We lost Justin Timberlake. We lost Tom Brady for a while. But I'm happy to say the GOAT is far from finished. Wherever there's a supermodel, he'll be there, ma. Wherever there's a stunning actress still too young to buy a drink, he'll be there. Wherever you find someone modeling lingerie who's still got a while before he reaches his mandatory retirement age, he'll be there. And the rest of us can all be grateful. 

Long live the king.