Designing The Perfect Hotel Room

Earlier this week, I was a guest on the Dog Walk for a hotel draft. We chose one amenity, one pro-move, one grievance, one chain, and one continental breakfast item. It was a perfectly timed topic for me, because during my travels over the last few months, I've spent more and more time thinking about different hotels and trying to come up with what I need in my ideal hotel room. I'm pretty simple when it comes to hotels. I don't need a suite at the Four Seasons or anything extravagant. I can comfortably stay at a DoubleTree or a Homewood Suites or some random 3-star hotel and be more than satisfied. But there are minor things that I think greatly enhance the hotel experience. So in no particular order, here are 12 requirements I think all hotel rooms should have. 

-Shower glass door

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This is a simple one. I just want a nice glass door on my shower instead of a curtain. Sometimes you see those gross curtains that look like they've been there for 40 years. Pass. A glass door just gives it a more luxurious and cleaner feel. I don't have a glass door shower in my apartment so this always feels like a nice treat. 

-No confusing shower system 

On the topic of showers, sometimes I feel like every hotel is in a competition with each other to see who can make it harder to turn on a shower. It's impossible to get on, impossible to find the perfect hot temperate, just a total nightmare. Recently I stayed at this hotel in the picture above and it came with instructions! Now that's what I'm talking about. Every hotel shower should come with something like this instead of making us look like confused naked morons randomly pulling levers.  

-Easy AC controls with constant fan option

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Making the AC as cold as possible is obviously a pro move. But I also want the controls to be as simple as possible. No toggling between Fahrenheit and Celsius. No worrying about if the fan is on or off. I like the old school ones like this where I can hit "constant fan" and have that white noise going all night while I sleep. 

-Curtains that close all the way 

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I hate when there's a sliver between the curtains where light gets in and wakes me up in the morning. It seems like this happens at most hotels. Now I recently did learn a hack where you take a hanger and clip it on so that the curtains close. But I don't want to have to be MacGyver in my hotel room. 

-Two queen beds

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This is a take I've long had and stand by fervently. If I'm staying alone in a hotel room, I want two queen beds instead of one king bed. I don't need a king bed for just myself, and there's plenty of benefits to having an extra bed. You can use it for your suitcase and to lay out clothes and other shit. You can use it as a bed to lay down in during the day in your street clothes. You can use it to have sexual intercourse either with yourself or with others. You can use it for basically any non-sleeping activity. Then you keep the other bed strictly to get into with your night time clothes and go to sleep. 

-Laundry bag

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This is a minor one, but I just want a laundry bag in every hotel room. Most have them attached to a hanger in the closet, but I get very irked when there isn't one. I like to keep my clean clothes separate from my dirty ones in my suitcase, and having even a small laundry bag like this helps a lot. 

-Not the light card thing

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Just don't have this stupid fucking thing where you need to put your key card in it to turn the lights on. It's annoying and I forget about it and then think I got a room with no electricity. I don't even understand the purpose of it. Do they think someone is going to break into a hotel room and turn the lights on?!??!??! Oh no the horror!!!!

-Shower gel dispensers 

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I want these in the showers. I don't like when you get one bar of soap that you have to use for both your hands and your body. And ideally these will come with the lock on top so that you can't have creep residents getting into them and cumming or pissing in them or some shit. 

-Full toilet paper roll

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This is one I never thought of until recently when I walked into a hotel bathroom and saw barely any toilet paper left on the roll. I didn't care for that.

-No gross comforter

Jacek_Sopotnicki. Getty Images.

This isn't the best picture but it's the only one I could find in our backend. But you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the grossest, dirtiest, most unsanitary part of any hotel room. I just try not to touch it and throw it immediately on the floor. But don't even put it on the bed. Just a standard white light blanket is more than enough. 

-Fridge (ideally with waters)

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Most hotel rooms do have fridges now, but I hate when they don't. You just need a fridge, we're not cavemen. Ideally, it would come with a couple of waters in there already, but I'll settle for just the fridge if I have to. 

-These things at breakfast 

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I pretty much only see these at hotel continental breakfasts, but I get them every time. Apparently they're just fruit danishes. Whatever they are, they're delicious. 

You can watch our full draft here and vote on the poll below.