Once Again Larry David Is Correct, Text Chains Suck And Apple Needs To Add A Feature Where People Have To "Opt-In" To Be Added To Them

Forgive me on this one as I am clearly padding my blog count for this month, but it's not intentional. I swear.

Earlier this morning I blogged about how awesome the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm - "Dream Scheme" - was.

In it, I didn't want to give out too many spoilers and ruin it for people who hadn't seen it yet, but I wanted to drive home the fact that I think it belongs in the pantheon of all-time great Curb episodes. 

(Sidebar - off the top of my head, my list goes "Black Swan", "Freak Book", "Terrorist Attack", "Trick Or Treat", "Palestinian Chicken", "The Car Pool", and "Anonymous Donor")

In doing so, I completely forgot about the second part of my blog... the text chains. 

Luckily, I was reminded by commented @fortunecookie in the comments to the blog.

And I have proof that I originally intended to make it a focal point of the blog, but forgot. 

Allow me to let you into the mind of an idiot blogger like myself.

When I get ideas for blogs, usually late at night, or early in the morning, when I'm not able to whip out my computer and fire up the keyboard, I will send an email to myself as a "reminder" to myself to see the next morning. 

So we're getting two blogs in what should have been one. My bad, but at the same time, I feel like this is such an important topic that it kind of deserves its own blog and if I had included it in the original it would have completely taken away from the hilariousness of the episode. 

All that said, let's discuss group text threads shall we?

In the episode, it kicks off with Larry being yanked out of dreamland at the ungodly hour of 3 AM by a phone call. And not just any call, but one from Gina Grossbard. "Who?" you ask. Exactly. She's blabbering on about her hubby, Stu, hitting the deck with a stroke. Larry's sitting there, phone in hand, probably wondering if he's still dreaming because, seriously, why the hell is she calling him of all people? And just like that, bam, he's sucker-punched into the most dreaded digital abyss known to mankind: the group text. Oh, and not just any group text, but one filled with Stu's kin sending over kiddie scribbles and whatnot. 

Larry can't just ghost the chat because, heaven forbid, "They'll see that he left." 

Cue the cringy showdown with Stu's cousin Waylan (which I posted the clip of up top), who's all up in Larry's grill for not spamming emojis like it's going out of style. Waylan threatens to boot Larry from the chat, and Larry pretty much admits he's too cool for school—or in this case, too cool for the chain. They throw digital punches with emojis and part ways chucking repeated middle fingers at each other.

Several times throughout the episode Larry is bothered by his phone going off and the nonsense of what is on that text chain. 

And I'm pretty sure that the 90% of us out there with iPhones can all relate. 

It's fucking excruciating. 

Being stuck in a group text chat that you never signed up for, and have zero desire to be on is as bad as it gets in this day and age.

For so many reasons- 

Group text chains are like that one-party guest who overstays their welcome, keeps asking for another drink, and won't stop talking about their fantasy league team. NOBODY fucking cares as much as they think you all do. 

At first, you might even think, "Hey, this could be fun—a way to keep in touch with the crew, share a few laughs." But soon enough, you realize you've unwittingly signed up for a 24/7 digital circus with no clear exit strategy. 

Ever felt your phone buzz, thinking it's something important, only to see it's another "LOL" in a 200-message thread about nothing? Group texts turn your phone into a never-ending fireworks show of notifications. It's like your device is constantly having a panic attack, and no amount of silencing can save you from the anxiety of those unread message counts piling up. It's the fucking worst.

Group chats have an uncanny ability to turn minor misunderstandings into full-blown digital drama fests. Between the overuse of caps lock and that one person who misinterprets a joke, you're now in the middle of a text-based soap opera. And let's not forget the side chats that spawn from the main one to discuss the drama privately. 

Keeping up with a lively group chat is a surefire way to watch your phone's battery life evaporate before your eyes. It's as if each "haha" and GIF is a tiny vampire, sucking the life out of your phone. 

I've luckily yet to reach the point I'm on a death-bed group text thread (knock-on-wood), but I've been on plenty of ones where people share way too much about their families they think outsiders give a shit about. From the early morning "rise and shine" texts to the barrage of baby photos, pet pics, and questionable memes, group chats often become dumping grounds for content you never signed up for. It's like being forced to watch someone else's home movies on repeat, except you can't walk away.

And Larry is 110% correct with his take, you're stuck and you can't leave. Because every single response is a reminder that you're too deep in the quicksand of group chat etiquette to simply bow out without looking like the party pooper. You leave and you're guaranteed a healthy dose of side texts inquiring "why are you mad?", "is it something we said?", as well as knowing everybody's talking shit about what a prick you are after you're gone from it.

Trying to leave a group chat is like trying to sneak out of a party unnoticed—except the door creaks loudly and everyone immediately asks where you're going. There's no graceful way to bow out without potentially hurting feelings or drawing attention. So, you're stuck, silently hoping the chat dies a natural death while knowing deep down it never will.

Which is why in Apple's next update, they need to add a feature that alerts you when somebody tries to add you to one of these death traps. A simple alert that pops up, same as a test bubble, stating that "so-and-so" is attempting to add you to a group chat, and showing you who else is already in it or invited, and giving you the option of accepting or declining it. And here's the genius part. If you decline it, it doesn't tell the person you declined it. It just shows "pending". You can leave that bitch hanging forever and pretend you never saw it or received it. 

Far better than putting that chat on "Do Not Disturb" and seeing it light up endlessly with a bunch of shit you never signed up for.