Megan Fox Vows She's Not Finished Vandalizing the National Treasure That Was Megan Fox With Cosmetic Surgery

How it started:

How it's going:

Of all my most deeply held personal beliefs, few are as important to me as individual liberty and respect for our sacred cultural institutions. And those two things are not mutually exclusive. Why, just last Fall I found myself walking the very trail in Concord, MA where the Minutemen fired the Shot Heard 'Round the World at the British Imperial Army to defend those very principles. 

So when someone like Megan Fox decides she needs surgery to improve her looks:

… the part of me that defends her right to do whatever she wants rejoices. That's why those commoners risked their own lives to bleed the ground red. To water the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants, as it were. 

But then I think of the horny farm boys and undersexed craftsmen who grabbed their muskets and ran into the fray on that fateful April 19th day in 1775. And I think they would've preferred regular Megan Fox. The one who looked just as their Creator made her. Not this new one who increasingly looks like a laboratory experiment that went horribly, horribly wrong. And I stand with those brave, noble souls. 

As I've stated before, maybe I'm a traditionalist. Or because like Creed Bratton, I'm also an old weirdo who works for a company filled with people I don't know who can't explain what I do here everyday. But I agree with him when he says he prefers au natural:

Swing low, sweet chariots indeed.

Unfortunately for gentlemen from the Old School such as us though, Megan has made plain her intention to exercise her personal autonomy even more. 

Source - Megan Fox has finally set the record straight on her various plastic surgery procedures. 

For years, the Transformers star, 37, has baffled fans with her everchanging appearance but has kept quiet amid the constant speculation. 

In particular, her drastically different look at a Super Bowl after party last month led to a frantic guessing game on social media over what she's recently had done - with posters and even plastic surgeons believing she'd had a nose job, cheek filler and a brow lift. …

[She spent] $30,000 on the 'biggest boobs that could fit in my body'. She also admitted a nose job in her early 20s - but denies claims she's had the procedure done seven or eight times. 

Megan went on to dismiss rumours about other procedures she'd endured - insisting she would never have fat taken out of her body because she's so lean - while candidly discussing the work she wants to have done in the future. 

Clearly Megan won't be satisfied until she's got more fake parts than Optimus Prime. 

She's declaring that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. She's holding these truths to be self-evident, that no woman was created equal to her; but she's going to keep recreating herself until she looks exactly like the third rate Kardashian. Give her a Brazilian Butt Lift, or give her death. No one asked for those ridiculously fake, preposterously big bags of saline stapled to her chest, but they're the Bunker Hills she's prepared to die on. 

And while I for one will die to defend her right to mess up her perfectly exquisite looks unnecessarily, it's nevertheless sad. It's vandalizing a national monument. Like putting fiberglass jugs on Lady Liberty. Putting graffiti on the Grand Canyon. Throwing up billboards for a plastic surgeon on the purple mountains majesty. When what we should be doing is preserving the heritage left to us by 2000s-2010s Megan Fox for our children, and our children's children. Though really, by the time our children's children are old enough to appreciate her, she'll need the surgery. But to do so now is simply unpatriotic. 

And so a sad, sad time to be a proud American has only gotten worse with each passing surgery. I weep for my country.