Dear John (Part 2) - My Boyfriend Won't Stop Shitting His Pants
Welcome to the second installment of "Dear John". A blog series where I answer the questions of Barstool Sports readers. In my first week I received 43 questions. I was truly shocked that I got as many questions as I did, so thank you to everyone who's participated. If you're at point in your life where you could use some advice from a fledgling Barstool employee, feel free to submit whatever the hell you'd like on the Google Form at the top of this blog.
In Part 1, I answered 6 questions. Here are my next 6 pieces sound advice.
So guys need guy time here and there, right? Early to mid 30’s people are having kids, building careers, look I get it. However, when you get cockblocked from friendship with the boys 99/100 times, something is wrong. Am I right? Knowing a best friend for 10+ years you ought to know what they enjoy etc. When that friend begins making excuses and declining most opportunities to do fun shit with the boys is it time to hit the panic button? Not to mention this person has 2 toddler-age kids (and is the primary parent), an extremely stressful full time job, does most of the shit around the house, and is working on their masters degree online all at the same time. Am I right to be concerned and call him out on it? It’s very apparent she wears the pants and denies him friendship and memories with the boys. Should we hit the panic button or am I just being a critical dick to my best friend by calling him on the BS?
Sincerely, Mark
This absolutely calls for an intervention. Don't mind the fact that your good friend is at a pivotal point in his life. Don't let the fact that if he truly buckles down for the next 5 years, can manage to raise some decent kids, advance himself in his career, and achieve a Master's degree that will set him up the rest of his life distract you from the opportunity you've been presented with. You have an opportunity that most people will never have. An opportunity to host an intervention that encourages alcohol, drugs, and hookers. An intervention that's actually fun.
99% of people who host interventions are forced to do the polar opposite. They'll have some degenerate friend who's pathetic life is going down the shitter. Then they have to call up all the people closest to him and organize the world's most depressing meet-up. Everyone sits in a circle and takes turns explaining how his addiction has hurt them personally. It's a horror show. Nobody enjoys doing that.
But what you have here is different. Your goal is to remind your friend that there's more to life than making money and raising a healthy family. It's also about getting twisted with the boys. What you need to do is organize the biggest rager you possibly can. Invite the whole town. It doesn't even matter if they know him. Set up a Project X-esque party, then call your friend up and ask him to stop by because "you have a gift for his kid" or some lame shit like that. When he shows up, you blow his mind with the most amazing party he's every seen. Feed him a load of drugs, and alcohol. Make it the most memorable night of his life. See if that makes him change his perspective on life.
The best part is, the next day, you don't even have to feel shame. You can feel proud because you've helped your friend realize that his family and career isn't as important as raging with the boys.
My boyfriend claims skid marks are normal and I am beside myself. Listen, we’ve all been there. I’ve been there. You go to take a shower after a long day, get undressed and your underwear has a new tattoo. But this is an every day thing with him. He tells me girls don’t understand because guys have hairy butts but I say this is no excuse. Wash your ass… or wear a damn diaper if this is going to be an issue for the rest of your life. There are many things a guy can do that disgust the fairer sex but this to me is not endearing like a belch after a beer or a pull my finger situation. Am I crazy? JOHN AM I CRAZY?
- Disgusted from Indianapolis
It appears as if we have a real life woman asking me a question. That's shocking. But because I respect women, I'm going to give her an honest answer. Having skid marks on your underwear every day is fucking insane. Sure, it'll happen every now and then. But if it's an every day occurrence, your boyfriend has a serious wiping problem.
You need to clean up that asshole. The problem is, even if you clean it up once, there's no guarantee that he'll stick with the program. So here's what you do. Next time you and your boyfriend are about to have sex, bring in a box of Dude Wipes. Have him throw his legs over his head like a baby having his diaper changed and give him a thorough wiping. Once his asshole is clean, you eat it like an Italian dinner. Eat his ass so well to the point that he becomes addicted to it. Guarantee from that point forward, if you tell him you'll only eat his ass if it's clean, you'll never have to deal with skid marks again.
John, my wife of 6 years has the most disgusting habit ever. She constantly leaves the bathroom without flushing. I used to call her out all the time and she’d just shrug it off like sorry I forgot. But now it’s fucking terrible. I can't take it anymore. I’ve stopped using that bathroom for my business I go in there to shower and shave and then do everything else in the half bath down the hall. For reference we are mid thirties, and wife is like a 6 (was a soft 8 before kids etc). Overall, not bad for a fugly need. But I really feel like I’m taking crazy pills here!
You guys are all living disgusting lives. The only possible explanation I would accept for this type of behavior is if you live in Los Angeles and are extremely water conscious. I know people who don't flush #1's for that reason. But if you're anywhere else in the world, that's atrocious behavior.
If she's not going to listen when you ask politely for her to flush the toilet, then you're going to have to fight fire with fire. You have to start taking the nastiest shits you can on top of whatever she's leaving in the toilet. Turn your bathroom into a war zone. Her attitude is going to change after you paint the toilet with diarrhea and leave it in there for her to deal with.
Dear John,
I’m currently going through the world’s nastiest divorce. My wife ran off in the middle of the night with our small child and moved out of state. She hid my daughter from me for over 2 months. I now have primary custody and the judge is ordering her to get mental help. My question is: my life would be so much easier if she would be dead, but I’m too pretty to go to prison. How do I make this bitch disappear?
Unfortunately, as great of a solution as it may be, I can't advise you to murder your wife. I know we like to have fun here, and this advice is all a bit tongue and cheek, but I can't advise that you to do that. What I can advise is that you slip non-lethal amounts of heroin into her meals. It sounds like the judge is well on his way to making it so you have full custody. All she needs is a drug addiction to fully tip the scales in your favor.
Dear John,
I am in a bit of a pickle. My job has a mandatory company wide meeting all day next monday, but I have a big poker tournament with the boys this weekend. It will not be a problem unless I advance far enough in the tournament. My boss told me good luck - so that means I am good to go. Should I play poker - or forgo that for my work responsibilities?
#WhatWouldJohnDo- Josh
This one is easy. You skip the meeting and play poker.. Your boss will be publicly furious at you, but the truth of the matter is that you fucking up the most basic of tasks is actually the best thing you can do for the company. That's what you're there for. That's the value you bring to your company.
What if life is not linear and we just don’t realize? What if every time we go to sleep we switch to a different time in our life? And we switch back to a different one the next day? Deja Vu would just be that memory bleeding over.
- Brady
I think about this all the time. What if every time we wake up were a different person with a whole life's worth of memories. Tomorrow I could wake up a baby. The next day I could wake up Dave Portnoy. But if everything resets each day we'd truly have no way of knowing.
If you fully buy into this concept, you can use it as an excuse to live your life like a complete degenerate. If you truly believe in this, then every day you should think, "Fuck it, I'm only living this life for one day. I might as well have as much fun as possible." The next day you'll wake up with the memory of your previous day's degeneracy, but if this idea is true, then you'll just think it's a brand new set of memories. Something to think about.
Dear John (Part 3) will be out tomorrow. Please do not act on any of my advice. Do not take it seriously. I am not a professional. For legal reasons I think I have to say that