We Must Lie To Chris Klemmer When He Gets Out Of Solitary Confinement
For those who don't know, my esteemed co-worker Chris Klemmer (skinny, old) entered solitary confinement in the basement of Barstool Sports this morning. Now I know what you're thinking, "Isn't the Basement of Barstool Sports an upgrade from the sewers of Manhattan where Klemmer has been living for the past 70 years?" I thought that too. Surprisingly it's not the case. He actually lives in an apartment on a weird island outside of Queens. An island that was originally used to house mental patients.
But Klemmer's living arraignment is besides the point. The point is, for 100 consecutive hours, Klemmer will have zero contact with the outside world. If any news drops between now and Friday, Klemmer will be blissfully unaware of it. So on Friday when he emerges from his basement looking like a malnourished science experiment, which has nothing to do with the solitary confinement, he'll have 5 days worth of news to catch up on. There will be a brief period of time immediately following the confinement where Klemmer is vulnerable to lies.This presents us with a unique opportunity. An opportunity to make him believe something that isn't real.
I posed this idea to Twitter earlier this morning and received a handful of ideas in the replies.
Those are all fine ideas. But with those lies, best case scenario is that we'd have Klemmer halfway believe one for about 20 seconds until he whips out his phone and uses the technology at his fingertips to prove us wrong. If we want to fuck with Klemmer, we have to be smart about it. This isn't going to be some big, flashy lie. As much as I'd love to, we're not going to be able to convince him that Pete Rose is transitioning into a woman and entering a lesbian relationship with Caitlin Jenner. That's just unrealistic. We're not going to be able to convince him that his 7th wife is leaving him for Tommy Smokes. In reality, there's nothing we can tell him that he won't care to fact check immediately. So we need to be careful with our lie. We need to come up with something that he won't care enough about to fact check, but at the same time will be big enough news that it will stick in his brain for the rest of his life.
Here are a few ideas I've come up with
Glen Howerton from It's Always Sunny Has Opened Up a Series of Car Dealerships Across the West Coast
- Mark Wahlberg has a bunch car dealerships out there. If I can casually slip into conversation, "You know how Glen Howerton has all those car dealerships... oh you don't? Yeah that must have happened when you were in confinement." I don't think he'd double check that, and would probably spend the rest of his life thinking that's true. Maybe some day he'll be at a bar and tell a group of strangers about it."
Tyreek Hill Says He's Going to Retire a Dolphin
- Tyreek Hill is definitely going to be traded, or sign with another team before his career is over. But I think Klemmer would take my word for it. Then when he does go to another team, he'll tell somebody, "But he said he's going to be a Dolphin for life?" and that person will be like, "No he didn't you idiot."
Arby's is Going to Start Serving Cheeseburgers
- Klemmer gets Arby's Uber Eats'd to the office all the time. He's also a man who likes cheeseburgers (I think). We'll tell him Arby's is rolling out a cheeseburger onto their menu in April. He'll log that information in the back of his brain, the eventually he'll think to himself, "Oh yeah I'm going to get an Arby's burger." Then when he goes to order he'll be sorely disappointed. Got his ass.
CHANGE OF PLANS: I'm sorry. Those are really fucking stupid. Maybe three of the stupidest paragraphs I've ever wrote. I crossed them all out so you can't even see them. I've been overthinking this. We're just not going to get Klemmer on any actual fake news. And even if we do there's going to be no worthwhile pay off. It's going to have to be a new style of lie. We need to go personal.
When He Went to Sleep on Wednesday Everybody Saw He Had a Boner
This will get him. We can even get Quigs to make a photoshop if we want to take it a step further. The thought that at the whole world saw his boner was be brutal. Honestly I think statistically that will probably happen anyways.
Frank Puked on His Desk
Ok now we're cooking. We'll say that one of our social guys tricked Frank into drinking mayonnaise soda for a TikTok. He took a sip at his desk, when the mayo pop hit his tongue he turned around and puked all over Klemmer's desk. We'll tell him we cleaned it up and sanitized everything, but that'll be in his head every day at work for the rest of his life.
High Noon is Going to Start Selling Ciders
There's nothing in the world Chris Klemmer loves more than alcoholic ciders. We'll say that Dave mentioned in a meeting that they're going to start selling ciders. If we want to be really mean, we'll say that they're looking for someone at Barstool other than Dave to be their cider spokesperson. Next time he sees Dave he'll say, "Hey boss, I heard you need a cider guy." And the Dave will look at him like he's the biggest idiot in the world (sorry that one is kind of mean but it would make for a great video if we can get it on camera).
I'll work on coming up with more ideas. I'm open to suggestions. We simply have to get Klemmer with a lie somehow. We'll get him good one way or another. It's far too good of an opportunity to let go to waste. I'll be sure to delete this blog by the time he gets out of confinement.