Not To Get Too Political, But You Can Eat A Bag Of Dicks If You Think Crushing An Ice Cream Cone Isn't Manly
Darren Robb. Getty Images.Let me first start off with a quick little disclaimer--I hate everybody involved in politics. President, senators, congressmen, staffers, political media members, people who volunteer on election day. Doesn't matter. Right, left, conservative nutjob, liberal cuck. If you're involved in politics or political media, you are a gigantic asshole in my eyes. Your only goal in life is to divide everybody and create a constant battle of us vs them.
But if there's one thing in this world that I thought we could all be unified on, it was ice cream.
Sweet, sweet delicious ice cream. Could be in a cone, could be in a cup, could be that quick spoonful or two you sneak right out of the tub in the freezer at 10pm (it's okay, that can be our little secret). Either way, I thought we could all agree that ice cream rules. Despite our differences and how much everybody is at each other's throats these days, I thought the one thing holding us all together is a tasty little treat.
Turns out I was wrong.
Are you guys fucking kidding me? First off, let's not even get into all the weird Freudian shit it takes going on in your head to be weirded out by another dude eating an ice cream cone. If you think it's "strange" because it reminds you of someone sucking down on a hog? Then that's on you, brother. Chances are that image is going through your head a helluva lot more than just when you see a man eating ice cream.
But secondly--it doesn't get more manly than treating yourself to an ice cream cone. No wife, no kids, just you and you acting out on your most basic desires. That is the epitome of taking life by the balls and doing whatever you want with it. It's a frozen bomb of calories and fat. From a nutritional standpoint, everything about ice cream screams "do not eat me". But what do men do? We make our own rules. We control our own destiny. If we want a little chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in a waffle cone at the end of the day as a treat? Then we are going to devour that ice cream cone like an absolute savage.
It's messy, it's fatty, it's punk rock as shit. Any grown dude who goes to get ice cream alone is a rebel. Rebels don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about them. Seems pretty manly to me. But don't tell that to the dude who puts on makeup to go on TV every night.