Apologies in advance, but I need to vent.

I'm having yet another good week... The gout has been in check.  My diet has been going well.  I am close to signing yet another lucrative ad deal for a company I enjoy working for immensely.  The family is running on all cylinders... So I have no real reason to complain.

But I'm going to.

I read a tweet earlier this week from comedian Jim Florentine saying how some venue canceled his upcoming comedy show in Seattle because his act (and the acts of 3 other popular comedians) didn't align with their community standards.

The full statement from the Capital Hill Comedy Club is embedded in Jim's tweet, and I invite you to read it if you want to be angered...

Now, listen... Although I am a fan, perhaps Jim Florentine's comedy is not your cup of tea.  I get that.  Comedy is subjective.  

Similarly, I know of at least one person who makes a good living making people laugh even though I find him bland and talentless.

But Florentine, Metzger, Dave Smith, and Luis Gomez are comedians with followers who find them hilarious enough to buy tickets for their shows (all tickets will be refunded by Capitol Hill Comedy Bar).  And comedy clubs are supposed to be (for lack of a better term) "safe spaces" where even the most offensive jesters can ply their wares to crowds of people who no longer get a chuckle from mundane knock-knock jokes.

Looking at the venue's calendar of events, I can tell you that I would probably never pay to see their Queers To The Front open mic night, The Dope Show presented by comedian and ganja enthusiast Tyler Smith, or Funny Queer Asians (a "celebration of intersectionality across the queer and Asian-American communities").  And there's ZERO chance I will be at the Dungeons and Drag Queens Brunch.  But my community doesn't give a fuck that these events exist… And here's the thing- I don't think the Seattle community gives a fuck either.  

Sure, a very-small-but-very-loud percentage might care, but for some reason, the much bigger percentage doesn't tell them to shut the fuck up… And that annoys the shit out of me.

This blog is about to disintegrate into something that probably won't get published, so I will pivot to something else that "burns my britches."

I was driving on Route 17 South near Paramus, NJ this morning, on my way to the funeral of a close friend.  As I was driving along, I noticed the van in front of me had something written on its darkly tinted windows…

It had similar requests written on both side windows as well.

Lemme ax you a question: Perhaps I am emotional (I just got out of a funeral), but am I way off base for thinking that a family going on vacation has no fucking business asking strangers for donations to be made towards said vacation?

Put even more simply- Why the fuck do people all of a sudden have the balls to ask me to pay for their churros?

Here's something you probably didn't know about me… I never went to Disney as a kid because my parents couldn't afford it.  Instead, we went to places within driving distance from Brooklyn.  Places like Hershey Park, Dutch Wonderland, and Sesame Place… Where I once vomited partially digested funnel cake all over Big Bird's feet after riding Honker's Dinger Derby three times in a row.

When my folks did have the means to put mine and my two brothers' fat asses on a plane it was to visit our relatives in Ireland… So while a young you may have landed in Orlando, Florida, and rushed to go on Magic Mountain, a young Large (Medium?) flew into Cork, Ireland, and reluctantly helped muck stalls at my Aunt Josephine's farm.

Shutterstock Images.

(a not-so-Magic Mountain of cow dung)

My parents would've been fucking MORTIFIED to write on the windshield of my dad's Monte Carlo, "Family's First Ireland Trip, Mail Cash To (insert childhood home address) For Pints And Shepherd's Pies!" but people don't have that pride nowadays.  

Undeserved handouts were a last resort for everyone back then, and now they're the only option for some.

Now, maybe there were extenuating circumstances that have forced this Disney family to beg people in traffic for their hard-earned cash, but in a day and age where I am asked to tip non-existent cashiers when I am using the Self-Checkout, I am no longer giving people the benefit of the doubt… Fuck 'em.

I certainly don't hope for their plane to go down, but I certainly hope it fucking POURS for the whole week in Orlando.  And I mean "pours" in the biblical sense where they not only consider buying ponchos but also consider filling sandbags or building an ark.

Compared to some blue-collar heroes, I may not work hard for the money I have, but I certainly work harder than some indecorous bum who writes their Venmo on the window of a van or some unaffected cashier who watches as I weigh my own produce.  So I will close by simply saying, "Fuck you all… I'm done."

Take a report.

-Large

If driving really fast in a circle doesn't violate your community's standards, then I highly recommend you listen/watch the latest episode of Rubbin' Is Racing with Daytona winner William Byron.

And, if you like what you see, maybe consider throwing a couple of bucks to my Venmo at @gimme-free-shit-you-fucking-idiot.

TAR

-L