Travis Kelce Teabagging the 49ers in the Postgame Locker Room Was the Most Fitting End to a Season Ever
The nanosecond the news dropped that Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were a thing back in September, I should've seen this coming. On some level, deep down in the darkened corners of my brain, I think I knew it would end this way. Not because the NFL is scripted or due to a successful psyop conducted by the Deep State, though there is that. But just because sometimes, being a sports fan sucks.
Which is to say, being actually emotionally invested in them sucks. There are times when I find myself envying people to are too normal, too regular, to care. Like the nice woman at the party I was at who hadn't watched a football game since last year's Super Bowl and decided to root for Kansas City for the sole reason that she went there for five days a few years ago and liked it there. Sometimes I'd rather be someone like that be like me and virtually every single one of my friends who care way more about these things than we should. Usually when one of my own teams is involved in some life and death struggle with the fate of my world hanging in the balance. But it applies to just hating someone too. The Yankees for most of my life. The Raiders when I was a kid. The Lakers. Lebron. And now, Travis Kelce.
This whole wretched, frustrating, cloying, annoying, fascinating and thoroughly entertaining 2023 NFL season could only end this way. In the most aggravating way possible. With the billions of Swifties who couldn't have drawn a picture of a football five months ago watching their goddess' boyfriend not only win another ring, but be one of the heroes. To lead everyone with 93 yards, 92 of them in the 2nd half and overtime. To set up the game winner. Then give the NFL marketing department the raging boner it's been longing for all season with an ending straight out of a '90s RomCom.
And then, above all, confirm what an incorrigible asshole he is:
Perfect. The only way 2023 could've possibly ended.
To be clear, in no way am I suggesting there's something wrong with being a bad winner. On the contrary. To the victor go the spoils. History is written by the winner, and all that. If Kelce wants to take time in the middle of a locker room celebration by his four dozen joyous, elated teammates to pick out a spot in front of the cameras and bray like a donkey shitting all over the 49ers with the Hey Hey Goodbye song, we can mark him down on originality, but he's earned the right.
It's just a reminder that the worst part about athletic competition are the times like these. When the person you hate most succeeds. And gets to be a real life, non-kayfabe wrestling heel. To be a supercilious dickbag even in victory. And be fawned over by the sports media, the gossip rags, and an army of under-30 female members of his girlfriend's cult of personality.
So thanks, 2023 season. It couldn't have been drawn up any better. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to dreading the offseason of listening to Kelce talk and trying to figure out how my 4-13 team can stop being so shitty.