Cocaine Bear is So 2023. The Present and Future Belong to Florida's Crack Bears, Who Are Breaking Into Homes and 'Tearing Them Apart.'

I enjoyed the ever-livin', 8-ball filled snot out of Cocaine Bear. In fact, I highly recommended it to people. Though not everyone agreed with my positive review. (Especially my brother Jim who furiously insisted I owed him those two hours of his life back. And was even angrier than he was when he took my advice and watched 80 for Brady.) 

Though to be fair to me (which I always, always am), it's possible I owe the fact I liked Cocaine Bear so much because I watched it with four friends after several beers (and more during the movie) while some of their teenagers sat a couple of rows away and we pretty much Mystery Science Theater 3000'ed the shit out of the insane, blood-splattered ridiculousness of it. If you're going to stream just one film about an apex predator who gets a taste of highly addictive stimulants and goes on a murderous rampage in order to score his next high, make it be that one. But Flowers of the Killer Moon, it wasn't.

But it turns out that what I thought was a campy, hilariously violent comedy in the tradition of grindhouse B-movies, was in fact, a documentary. Or at the very least, a case of life imitating art:

Source - A Florida lawmaker seeking looser regulations on the killing of wildlife has claimed that black bears high on crack are breaking into people’s homes and “tearing them apart”.

The allegation from Republican state congressman Jason Shoaf, whose biography reveals a passion for hunting, is bizarre even by the already unorthodox standards of Florida, which in recent times has boasted cocaine sharks and marauding herpes-ridden monkeys.

“We’re talking about the ones that are on crack, and they break your door down, and they’re standing in your living room growling and tearing your house apart,” Shoaf told a meeting of the Florida legislature’s house infrastructure strategies committee discussing his House Bill 87, which would remove most penalties for killing bears without authorization.

“When you run into one of these crack bears, you should be able to shoot it, period. And you shouldn’t have to pause or be afraid you’re gonna get arrested or harassed or pay fines. That’s just crazy.”

The Guardian was unable to find a documented incident of any of Florida’s estimated population of 4,050 black bears having ingested crack, and Shoaf did not return a request for clarification.

Yeah, thanks for adding that last disclaimer, Guardian. But nobody's buying what you're selling. No one trusts the media any more. Thanks in part because this is the first we're hearing about the Crack Bear epidemic. The fact you've been ignoring the problem probably just means you're in the pocket of the cartels who are supplying them. Or getting your funding from Big Druggie Carnivore. 

But that's neither here nor there. The real question is, how are we even debating this? Large, meat-eating predators are getting high on crack and ransacking people's homes to get their next fix, and we're asking for permission to shoot them? Is this even America anymore? 

Hey, Florida legislature's House Infrastructure Strategies Committee. It's called the US Constitution. Look it up. It says "Right to bear arms." Which includes the right to arm yourself against bears. Junkie bears in particular. Who if they're not there to kill you while you sleep, will steal everything you have and fence it for some crack money. Or, given this is Florida, cut out the middle bear and just steal your crack. Sorry, bureaucrats, but if it's between me getting high on my supply or letting some grizzly have it, say hello to my little friend and goodbye to Fozzie. But NOT sorry. Put that in your glass pipe and smoke it. 

So a big sarcastic thanks to all our government and law enforcement officials, who obviously learned nothing from that Keri Russell and Ray Liotta (his last, RIP) film. Because after all these years and the billions of dollars you spent, it's obvious now that we've lost The War on Bear Drugs. Keep 'em locked and loaded, Florida.