WARNING: The United States is in The Midst of an Out of Control STI Epidemic

Leading sexual health experts have blamed record-high cases of sexually transmitted infections on the 'explosion' in popularity of dating apps.

Last week, officials deemed the spiralling cases of conditions like chlamydia and syphillis striking the US an 'out of control' epidemic. 

The warning followed the release of the latest CDC data that showed 2.5 million cases of STIs were detected in 2022, marking a rise in chlamydia and, most worryingly, potentially deadly syphilis. 

Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression that "nobody fucks anymore". I've been told that thanks to smart phone distractions such as TikTok & Instagram, and readily available pornographic material on popular porn/faces of death website X.com, that younger generations had no need for physical fucking. What's the point of going out to a bar, putting in the tedious work of having a 10 minute conversation with a member of the opposite (or same) sex, then taking to trouble to split an Uber back home to bed a complete stranger. Why would we do that when we have the thiccest 18 year olds' on Twitter available at your fingertips?

If that's the case, then explain THIS. 

In 2000, syphilis was on the verge of eradication with a record-low of 5,979 cases per year in the US.

In 2022, there were 207,000 diagnoses, according to official data.

A decade a go, experts say infections - which spread via contact with a syphilitic sore, which usually forms on the genitals -  were almost all among gay or bisexual men.

But there was a sudden 'shift' in 2013, when cases began to rise among women and straight men.

Experts say much of this can be explained by the increasingly popularity of dating apps among heterosexual people, like Tinder, which launched in 2012.

Take that boomers. Not only are our generations fucking like rabbits, we're fucking like irresponsible rabbits. We haven't had a sexually transmitted disease outbreak this prolific since the government invented AIDS and Matthew McConoughey started that buyer's club. 

So why is this happening? If I were to start pointing fingers, I'd like to throw the blame at Big Condom. I don't think condom technology has improved in the slightest since I learned what condoms were that day in 5th grade when I found one on the ground and my dad had to explain to me why I couldn't pick it up and make a balloon animal out of it. They've been the same pieces of individually packaged dick-suffocating latex ever since I can remember. 

However, according to this particular article, we have the internet to blame.

Experts suggest expanded access to sexual partners, as Americans no longer had to rely on meeting potential suitors in person.

'All of a sudden, you have a bunch of potential mates at your fingertips, and so I think that could definitely play a role.'

Nowadays, anybody with a pulse can pick up their phone, meet a person online, bond over the fact that you like The Office and going on adventures, then BOOM. Instant sex. Or I think that's what this article is implying. But I gotta be honest with you guys, that was NOT at all my experience courting women online. My experience was more like matching with 25 " like minded" girls, sending 25 "Hey what's up?!" texts, receiving a total of 4 responses, then having half ass conversations with a few different girls over the course of a couple days before I forget entirely that I'm in the middle of a conversation all together, then 3 days later am like, "oh fuck I never messaged her back". Then I never revisit the situation again and continue getting black out drunk is my friend's basement every weekend. That's the experience I'm familiar with. But maybe I'm in the minority. Maybe other people are capable of holding a halfway decent conversations with potential hookups. I wouldn't know what that's like, but if syphilis is running rampant across our country then I suppose that's what people are doing.

Be careful out there guys. Apparently the streets are crawling with syphilis, and everyone is walking around with their body covered in unsightly dots, which according to the picture up top is what syphilis looks like. I wouldn't know. I only ever had chlamydia once. But maybe we should start using condoms again. And if anybody from Trojan is reading this, how about you step up your fucking game. Maybe get off your ass and make a product that doesn't make the best feeling in the world only half as enjoyable.