Chaps Having A Rifle In The Chicago Office Is A BAD Idea That Will End Poorly
I tweeted this and now I am putting it in the blog because I want it documented in every corner of the internet that I think Chaps having a rifle in the office, albeit a "toy" rifle that shoots plastic bullets, is a terrible idea.
Let's start at the beginning as to why this rifle is even there in the first place. From the looks of things, the head of the Chicago office/2nd in Command/overgrown child Big Cat is taking a "no holds barred approach" to the Chicago office. The fantasy factory is alive and well and for the most part, it is producing excellent content:
You go your whole life hearing the expression, "like trying to find a needle in a haystack" but you never actually saw anyone try to find a needle in a haystack...until this week. Bravo.
Anywho, Chaps had the idea that given all the cool guests/athletes/celebs that come through the office, wouldn't it be cool to teach them how to properly clear rooms or have shooting contests to see who is a crack shot in the office. Great idea!
Until you remember this is Barstool Sports. Weapons in an office environment are never a good idea. Let me say that again - I don't condone weapons in an office. I DEFINITELY don't endorse weapons in the office when the office is filled with the Mensa members we have around these parts. This has already played out once before at Barstool…
Some of you are shaking your fists and screaming, "But Cons, Chaps is a Marine!" Uhh yea, all the more reason he should know better. Not to mention, I don't think a lot of you know exactly what Chaps did in the Marines. Yes many of you know he was a dog handler. But did you know he was a dog handler attached to Marine Force Recon and fought in the battle of Fallujah? For those who never watched the critically acclaimed movie SHOOTER with Mark Wahlberg, that's the most elite special operations unit in the Marines.
Why does that matter? It matters because Chaps is more efficient with a weapon (and a dog) than the average Jarhead. Just the other day, Big Cat got shot and didn't even see it coming!
It is not going to end there. Jerry is going to catch a bullet to the temple coming out of the bathroom. Nicky Smokes will suffer a flesh wound in the leg while enjoying his lunch. As we saw, Eddie soiled his pants when Chaps came charging in the room. On and on we go until everyone in the office has a Purple Heart.
Listen, folks are calling me soft and lame for this take but I don't care. As someone who had to deal with enlisted Soldiers making dumb decisions for a big chunk of my life, maybe I'm just programmed to expect bad things to happen. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Don't say I didn't warn you. In the meantime, check out the latest Zero Blog Thirty.