Wanna be depressed?... I can help.

Large1/29/2024 10:30 PM

You may not know this, but according to scientists, January is the most depressing month of the year AND it contains the most depressing day of the year... Blue Monday.

Perhaps, you think seemingly arbitrary levels of depression are derived through common sense, but there is a formula that measures the seasonal fluctuation of misery considering many factors, including weather conditions, debt level, time since Christmas, time since New Year's resolutions have been broken, low motivational levels, and the feeling of a need to take action.

And once you account for the shitty weather, Christmas credit card bills coming due, broken diets, and absolutely ZERO desire to hit the gym, the formula spits out that the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year.

Well... We made it past that Monday, but as we hurtle toward the end of the month, I thought I would give you a couple more reasons to put your head in the oven before Groundhog Day.

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First off… For all you football fans, your season is about to come to an end, and Taylor Swift is about to partially ruin the biggest game of the year. If that isn't depressing enough, know that the hides from 3,000 innocent cows were harvested this year to provide all the footballs for the 2023 NFL season.

Personally, I dont give a fuck about dead cows… I eat veal twice a week. I just found 3,000 cow skins to be a big number to make something we still refer to as a "pigskin."

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What else?

Oh… Later on this year, on August 5th, the Curiosity Rover on Mars will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to itself… And with the nearest ear being 220 million miles away, that is the loneliest birthday in our solar system.

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What else?

With Spring on the horizon, I am sure there are plenty of you looking forward to the smell of fresh-cut grass.

Well, that wondrous smell you get while having someone cut your lawn is a chemical distress signal caused by green leaf volatiles (GLVs) being released when blades are damaged.

Mechanical damage to grass from activities such as lawn mowing results in the release of the GLVs for plant communication and plant defense against herbivory… The smell functions as a distress signal warning other plants of imminent danger.

So while that pleasant odor might be the first sign of Spring for some, it is actually the silent screams of your lawn.

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I'll give you one more…

For all the 30-somethings reading this, The Land Before Time animated movie was probably an integral part of your childhood.

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For those who are unfamiliar, The Land Before Time is a media franchise that began in 1988 with the eponymous The Land Before Time movie which was produced by some guys named Steven Speilberg and George Lucas. The movie was a huge success and was followed by 13 direct-to-video musical sequels, a TV series, video games, soundtracks, and a SHITLOAD of related merchandising.

This franchise started in 1988 and the last straight-to-video installment hit in 2016… That’s some run.

The original films follow the friendship of a group of young dinosaurs who embark upon adventures, learning lessons about life, teamwork, and friendship along the way.

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The main characters are Littlefoot (male Apatosaurus), Cera (female Triceratops), Ducky (female Saurolophus), Petrie (male Pteranodon), and Spike (male Stegosaurus). In the original movie, those characters were voiced by children, and the voice of Ducky was child actress Judith Barsi.

At just 10 years old, Judith had snagged dozens of commercials, and several film and TV roles.

What made Judith so marketable was that she was so small and cute… At 10 years old, the diminutive actress could understand and memorize lines to play a 7-year-old role that would be impossible for a true 7 yo to read or retain.

And on Monday, July 25, 1988, one month after her 10th birthday, Judith went missing.

After Judith's morning bike ride, Jôzsef Barsi, 55, killed his 48-year-old wife and his daughter, Judith… Shot them both in the head.

József remained in the house with the deceased bodies for two more days before he doused their bodies in gasoline, lit them both on fire, and then went into his garage and shot himself.

In The Land Before Time, Judith's character of Ducky's signature line was, “Yep, yep, yep!”… And that is inscribed on her tombstone at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Los Angeles.