Dumping Them Out: Birthday Episode
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. Yesterday was my birthday, so this will be a special birthday themed episode. I'm not necessarily sure what that means, but I'll do my best to write about birthday related topics, I guess.
I've long said that my birthday of January 27th is one of the worst celebrity birthday dates of all time. It's a who's who of "who the fuck is that" when you up the list of who was born on that day. For the longest time, the only celebrity who's name I even recognized was Patton Oswalt. Nothing against Patton, but he shouldn't be the #1 celebrity on any sort of list. I've come to learn that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was also born on January 27th. But Mozart was so long ago that I'm not even sure you can count that. However recently NFL football player extraordinaire Kadarius Toney joined the list. He's having himself one hell of a birthday weekend.
Another thing I like to do when I turn another year older is look up the list of celebrities who died at the age I just completed. As of yesterday, I have officially made it further in life (age wise) than, Cory Monteith, Jane Marczewski, Chalino Sanchez, Lefty Sm, Minnie Riperton, and Civil Rights Activist Nat Turner.
I don't have the slightest idea who half those people are either. Apparently 31 isn't a popular age to die. But if I can make it past age 32, I'll have conquered the likes of Bruce Lee and Brittany Murphy. Those are some good names. That's the fun thing about the "who have I outlived" game. The longer you live, the more people you get to add to your list. That's how time works.
Sometimes people die on their actual birthday. For the 32nd year in a row I've managed to avoid that. William Shakespeare died on his 52nd birthday. People speculate that he either "died of syphilis or was murdered." Kind of a strange couple things to narrow it down to, but I guess when you died in the 1600's it wasn't always clear how it happened. Idk if they were running good autopsies back then.
Ok enough about dead people. Not sure why I led off with that. Let's wrap this up with a speed rankings of celebrities who's birthday parties I most want to go to.
Kanye West - One time he had a birthday party where he served sushi off of a naked model. Not sure what else went on there, but I bet it was pretty fun. Kanye also strikes me as a guy who would turn his birthday into a listening party for his own music, which for me is great. Maybe I'd get to hear Donda 2 before everyone else.
Sultan of Brunei - The Sultan of Brunei once spent $27 million to throw himself a 50th birthday party. I have no clue what a sultan is, or where Brunei is, but I do know $16 million dollars worth of his party fund was spent on a live Michal Jackson performance. The party lasted 2 weeks. He also served Beluga caviar. That's the richest type of caviar.
Dennis Rodman - I feel like the crazier a celebrity is, the better birthday party they would throw. There's a chance Kim Jong Un would be there. I'm not a fan of Mr. Un personally, but it would be a pretty crazy thing to be able to say you were in the same room as him.
Donald Trump - Unfortunately a Trump party nowadays would probably have to feature a bunch of lame politicians, which I wouldn't really care for, but I'm sure he'd still put on a fun party.
Hunter Biden - I've seen the pictures on his laptop. The NY Post puts a new shirtless crack pipe Hunter Biden photo on their home page every day. The man knows how to party.
Katt Williams - It would give me an excuse to rent a brightly colored velvet suit. I also feel like there's a high percentage chance he ends up fighting another comedian.