The World Economic Forum's Newest Target is Coffee. Good Luck With That.

FABRICE COFFRINI. Getty Images.

You might be currently preoccupied with the NFL playoffs, the Oscar nominations, or wondering what it is about Reacher: Season 2 that has your wife so into it, and so you're unaware the World Economic Forum is currently going on in Davos. 

Depending on your worldview, the WEF is either:

 --A gathering of influential leaders in various fields to discuss esoteric topics of global importance. 

--Coachella for socially awkward billionaires who take private jets to Switzerland lecture us about the irreparable harm everybody else's fossil fuel use is causing. And get coughed on in a quasi-religious ceremony:

--A cabal of malevolent globalists plotting their best course for taking over the world and controlling every aspect of our lives, and who will have us getting our protein from crickets in a matter of months. 

Wherever you land on that spectrum, WEF hasn't done itself any favors by having Klaus Schwab as its leader, since he's a cat on his lap and a stolen nuke away from the perfect Bond villain. And it certainly hasn't helped convince us normies that they've got our best interests at heart when they release a video for their 2030 agenda that includes the promise, "You'll own nothing and like it." Plus their commitment to free expression for the rest of us has been, to put it mildly, less than encouraging:

Not to mention the fact that any time super rich and powerful people get together anywhere for any purpose, it rarely benefits anyone but the Sex Worker Industry:

Which brings us to this year's gathering. And the newest target to enter into the WEF's crosshairs. It might not be high up on their list with war, rising prices, and them telling you what you can and cannot say on the free speech platform Elon Musk spend $44 billion of his own money on. But then again, this is its first year on the ballot. And it will matter to pretty much every single one of us:

Now, it just might be possible this is just a plant-based nothingburger. It could be little more than some empty suit with resting Worried Face talking about how deeply, deeply concerned he is about this supposedly clear and present danger to the planet just because he's selling short on Coffee Bean futures in hopes of making a fast buck. Or because talking about grave threats to our fragile world is guaranteed to make panties hit the floor at these events. 

But if I've changed in any way over the last four years, it's that when it comes to crazy-sounding ideas I'm willing to accept, the bar has gotten much, much lower. It's so low now an America's Got Talent contortionist couldn't limbo under it. Today's nutty conspiracy theory keeps becoming next month's widely accepted fact. So while 2019 me would never believe they're going to try and mess with our coffee supply, 2024 me is more than willing to consider it plausible.

On a side note, I don't know who this guy is or whether his numbers are right. I can't even say if his theory on the CO2 is correct. What I can tell you is that Dr. Willie Soon, who spent 30 years as a Harvard professor of astrophysics studying such things calls CO2 "plant food" and says it has none of the effects this coffee-hating member of the Fun Police is claiming:

I have no idea who's right. I'm a community college grad who types drivel into a keyboard all day.

What I can confirm however, is that the WEF's anti-coffee agenda is going to have unintended consequences our wanna-be global overlords can't begin to imagine. 

If you want to guarantee you'll see the general populace rise up against you, just mess with one thing. And it's not freedom, religion, money, the family unit, or even free speech. It's caffeine. It's the one thing that will unite a fractured society. Blue collar workers. White collar workers. Gen Z to Boomers, and every age in between. Christians, Jews, Muslims and agnostics alike. From the guy pulling through the drive-thru at Dunks to the hipster waiting in line for her mochaccino. We will all come together in a societal-wide uprising that makes the one in The Hunger Games look like a child's temper tantrum. 

What became the most powerful non-governmental organization in world history? It wasn't the WEF, I can assure you. It was the East India Trading Company. What started the American Revolution? A tax on tea. You know where the French Revolution began? In the cafes. The intellectuals found talking there was more conducive to such discussions than the taverns, because the coffee kept their brains sharper than the booze did. And when Marie Antoinette allegedly said "Let them eat cake," (note that she didn't), they cut her head off. If she'd said, "Let them drink plain water because I'm taking their coffee away," she wouldn't have gotten off so easily. 

So to the WEF, go ahead and try us. You won't like what you get in response. You're better off just sitting in the Alps, have your little forums, enjoy your Michelin star food, your top shelf liquor, and your world class escorts. But you'll have to take the coffee cups out of our cold, dead, fingers.