Who Should Be The Next Barstool Sports CEO?

By now you've likely seen the news that Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini (woman) is stepping down from her position at the company. Erika started at Barstool in 2016. She's been nothing but great to me. The most honest CEO I've ever known. She's been here through a ton of changes, she's helped grow the company, made Barstool a ton of money, and by all accounts (comment section excluded) had overwhelming success during her time here.

The New York Post was kind enough to report it before Erika had the opportunity to do it herself. Very Adrian Wojnarowski of them. In classic New York Post fashion they gave Dave Portnoy all of 19 minutes to comment before publishing the article.

But you all know that already. Erika Nardini is on her way out the door, and we need to shift our focus to what's next. No point in dwelling on the past. If we're going to hire a new CEO, here 10 people I think would be good for the job.

Tiffany Gomas - Marketing Executive, One-Time Confirmed Insane Person

Great idea by Hank. Tiffany Gomas (aka Crazy Plane Lady aka Future Mrs. Lockwood aka Tiff) is a 38 year old Marketing Executive, and was named a "Rising Star" by somebody on the internet in 2017 while she served as President of Client Services at Elevate Brand Marketing. What does any of that mean? No idea. I didn't bother to look it up. But it sounds like it might translate to here. What I do know is that Tiffany Gomas is a woman. A woman CEO is the last bastion of defense against the Business Insider's of the world who accuse us of misogany. "If were mysoginistic, then explain this woman", is a much needed crutch us.

Tiffany also managed to go more viral than possibly anybody in the world in all of 2023. Going viral is what we do here. Or at least try to. We could learn a thing or two from Tiffany. Do you know how hard it is to become known as THE crazy plane lady? We blog a new crazy plane lady every day. There's thousands of them. To rise above the rest of the mentally unstable psycopaths who experience minor travel related inconveniences to become the one who sticks out above the rest is an admirable feat. She's also pretty hot.

Gaz - Bald, ????

Now that Erika is stepping down, I think Gaz is #3 in command at Bartsool behind Dave and Nate. I have no idea what his title is, but I know he's important to the company. I know he's involved in decisions that matter. I know he's hid some dead bodies. I'm intimidated by him, which is think is an important quality for a CEO to have. Being CEO would put Gaz in more situations where he wouldn't be able to wear a hat, which would be fun. Although I am a little worried about the a tall white man with so much exposed head skin being the face of Barstool. That's the polar opposite of hiring a woman. If he accidently raises his right arm above his shoulder just one time we're going to have a PR crisis on our hands.

Matthew Piper Jenks - CEO of Frank Fleming

If Matthew Piper Jenks can run Barstool Sports with half as much enthusiasm and vigor as he runs Frank's life, we'll be in great hands. I've heard Jenks sell over the phone. He's good. I'll try to get a video of one someday because it's actually very funny listening to him pitch Frank to potential advertisers. It's about time Barstool starts revolving around Frank full time anyways. I'm pretty sure he's already paying my salary. We've been trending that direction for a while, and hiring Jenks as CEO would help us make that leap.

Nirvikar Jain - Top available minority Interim CEO according to toptal.com

If we're not going to hire a woman, we should strongly consider a minority. "If we're so racist, then explain Nirvikar", is a good bullet to have in our chamber.  

Elon Musk - Hundred Billionaire, CEO of X.com (formerly Twitter)

Theo Wargo. Getty Images.

Above all else, Elon Musk wants to be a cool guy on the internet. Dave can convince Elon Musk that becoming CEO of Barstool Sports is the coolest cool guy thing he can possibly do. He owns X/Twitter, so he can manipulate the algorithm to really start forcing our content down people's throats. You thought you saw a lot of Frank now? You haven't seen shit yet. He's also extremely pro-free speech, which is great for us. Kirk Minihane would be able to threaten the lives of whoever he pleases without worry. Not sure if that would be the case under Nirvikar. But most importantly, Dave has long expressed interest in taking Barstool Sports to the moon. If anybody is going to get us there, and help us launch HQ Moon, it's Elon Musk. 

Mark Cuban - Owner of Dallas Mavericks

Christopher Willard. Getty Images.

I know Mark Cuban is kicking himself for passing up the opportunity to invest in a percentage of Big Cat's brain. All jokes aside, that's quite possibly the worst business decision he's ever made. Idk what percentage of Barstool can be allotted to Big Cat's brain, but it has to be several million dollars at least. The blog would however have to shift from an east coast focus to a primarily Dallas Mavericks blog. 

Oz The Mentalist - Mentalist, Witch

Neilson Barnard. Getty Images.

There must be a way to weaponize this man. His powers have to be able to be used for more than simply guessing what number a stranger is thinking. He can read minds. I don't know how, or in what context we would use him, but some day he's going to get bored of being a glorified magician and start using his powers for real life things. Evil things. When that day comes we need him on our side. 

George Santos - Former Politician, Liar

Xinhua. Shutterstock Images.

Whatever qualifications are needed to run Barstool Sports, George Santos will look you in the eye and say he has them. I've thought before that in a "break in case of a emergency" situation, Barstool Sports could go HEAVY political. It doesn't have to be all one-sided either. We'll have bloggers from both sides of the political spectrum getting into massive, blow-out, wildly uneducated political debates with each other. We'll whip the interent into a frenzy. I think (I hope) Barstool is doing ok financially as it is, but if we really want to boost our numbers, we hire George Santos and finally get these political takes off.

Adam22 - NoJumper, Cuck

Gabe Ginsberg. Getty Images.

If we're not going to go the political route, we can always go heavy porn. Barstool Sports can merge with NoJumper, then let Adam22 take full control. Our whole office will take turns having sex with his wife. She'll give us all a One Bite Pizza review style rating afterwards. We'll just have a never ending train of porn stars rolling though. Like OnlyStans x 100. We'll still do all of our regularly scheduled content, but we'll also have bad sex on camera.

AI - Computer

Possessed Photography. Unsplash Images.

This would light a much needed fire under all of our asses. We'll let AI run the company, and program it to actively try to replace our jobs. Barstool employees will gradually get cut one-by-one, as we learn who's jobs are easily replacable by AI. Only those who can outperfrom AI will stay employed. In the end, they'll be maybe 20 of us standing. Would save a ton of money, and be a catalyst for the end of the world as we know it. Much like Oz The Mentalist, when AI inevitabley takes over the world, we want to be in their good graces.